Permenant

A Personality Test

2010-04-10T23:48:00.000-07:00

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

I can't believe it. It's true.

Let's grow old together

2010-03-31T21:42:00.000-07:00

I just saw this picture of na old guy looking through a camera, adjusting it to fit two people in. An old lady was sitting on a wheel chair opposite. In the second picture, the old man had moved over to stand behind the old lady, and the camera took a picture of them both.

I think that might just be the best picture(s) I've ever seen in my whole entire life. I was walking along the streets one lovely day (in my dreams, btw) and there was this old couple sitting on a bench. When I was walking past, the old man took his other half's hand and went, "Wendy. We did it." And this said Wendy smiled a gap-toothed smile at her husband.

"We grew old together."

I think I cried when I hear it, because I have this vague memory of a damp pillow. Crap. There goes the tears. LALALA.

I'm serious. I just find it so touching. Someone could stick with another through thick and thin and grow old together. It's meaningful. It's something that rarely happens. To me, that is.

And right after seeing that picture, I went onto facebook and this is what Faithy's status said. "

Faith 송이 Park WHO. WOULD. HAVE. THE. NERVE. TO. SAY. THIS. !?"

Wanna know what I wanted to say?

FUCK YOU ALLKPOP.

This is too much of a joke. Yes, it's not allkpop's fault. BUT WHOSE FUCKING FORUM IS IT? Yes. ALLKPOP.

This is fucking not cool. The person who actually posted this is a fucking no brained netizen.

Oh yes.

FUCK YOU MAN.

You know, I just typed this like, 30 word plus swearing to the people who are gullible enough to go "Ohmygawd! This can't be true T.T", but I've decided to be nice for once and just let them off despite how much it pisses me off.

Oh damn am I pissed.

She Bad she bad she bad

2010-03-07T02:40:00.000-08:00

Random title. I just remembered the line 'that girl she's so fly'. To say something stupid, I want people to think I'm fly.

But that never happens.

You know how scared I am every time I look into the mirror? I see this crazy ol' pig with short, fat legs staring back at me. She has this stupid smug look on her face like she was enjoying how much she tortures me. Or how fail I am. And she told me that I'm useless. "There's no point fighting because he'll never look your way."

I was stupid enough to think he stay back for a little while just to wait for me.

"You think shit is so good? Look at how you ruined the dance routines. It was the best for everyone how you stopped dancing."

"You like b-boys? Heck. Too bad. They won't like you. You won't be them."

I realised how screwed up I really am. I flunked my tests. I'm the one who's screwing myself up. Not anyone else.I'm the one that always falls for someone who won't like me back. He won't ever look my way. I KNOW I KNOW. NOW STOP IT. Tomorrow's my last chance before I leave for Taiwan. I want to do something. But that fugly thing in the mirror is stopping me. I don't want to let the chance slip away. It's unfair. I don't even have a centre anymore. Like when I see 0159 on every fking shelf I see. I feel sore. I have to keep moving. I feel like a part of me died.

stay fresh & ballin.
peace.

Facts about BoBo you might (not) need to know

2010-02-25T02:54:00.000-08:00

But you're gonna read it anyway. I know you will.

LAST UPDATE : 250210
LAST COUNT : 100

I have Japanese blood in me.
I am Chinese.
I am a Gemini.
I have AB as my blood type.
I am double bi-polar. (Look that up in the dictionary)
I started liking Kpop because of DBSK.
I like a guy.
I was 44kg in Primary 5, and now that I'm almost 10 cm taller than before, I'm 46kg.
I have a fetish with NE caps.
I like Bape.
I have a strange obsession with mixed-blood babies.
I want gray colored contacts.
I like both Converse and EVERLAST, but I prefer the latter.
I stink at anything which consists of numbers.
I believe in retribution.
I believe in conspiracy theories.
I like doing good deeds.
I like it when people says I'm cute =D
I like not blending in.
I like b-boys (a little too much).
I think baggy jeans pawns skinnies any day.
I like it when guys have nice hands.
I like guys whose name starts with the letters 'J' or 'K'. Wait, AND.
I lived in Boston for 3 years.
I want to get into the Uni of Washington.
I used to be a bgirl.
I used to be a dancer.
I have a grudge against ballet.
I tend to look at a thing and say something elses name.
I have been into Kpop for almost four years.
I have always wanted to be exotic >_>
I like reading books published by Poppy.
I tend to skip chapters I don't like in Gossip girl and it Girl.
The only poster I have in my room is of Rain's Rainism.
I envy b-boys.
I like looking for quotes and thinking up quotes.
I write fanfictions.
The first story I ever wrote was entitled 'Someday, Someway'.
I started reading the it Girl series without knowing about Gossip Girl.
I started reading the it Girl series when the first book was just out.
I like it when people call me 'Mi'.
I have been a graphics designer since April of 2009.
I wanted to become an artist when I was young.
I adore sour stuff.
I have a very very very deep grudge with fish.
I ate my first lobster in December 2009 -.-
I like monkeys, alot.
I like the color white.
I love Robinson Crusoe.
I have -gasp- fans online!
I have a plurk account - but I don't use it.
I had 61 following and 61 followers on the 25th February 2010 on twitter.
I have the tendency to forget to cap my pens after use.
I use 0.28 ink pens alot.
I prefer McDonald's Double Chocolate Frappe over their Caramel one.
I don't do heels.
I love the scent of THEBODYSHOP.
I have a very sensitive nose.
SHINee's Key used to (and still will) belong to me.
I'm not a sharing kinda person.
I keep cheering others up when I'm the one who needs cheering.
I have a gaga face. I mean, Lady Poker. I MEAN, Poker face.
I never had Poker Face or Just Dance in my phone before.
I like xiaxue because she bitches truthfully.
I can't stand Tiffany.
If winglin never comes back up, I'll stop writing.
Jaemin says I'm Ganduh.
I was one of the first few who requested from Dorkistics before they became so famous.
I buy things I do not need.
I regret spending money on skinnies.
I have fugly legs and arms.
I love airpumps.
I don't like Puma stuff.
I like checkered stuff.
Which means I've been very faithful to Burberry.
I hate it when the weather's warm.
My current phone is Samsung's Corby.
Both my dad and I like iluma because it's empty.
I used to love my fingers.
My teacher once commented that I could have had a very bright future in piano.
I am claustrophobic.
I'm fine with hugging people, but I don't like it when people hug me.
I am sensitive in the tummy area, especially the sides.
I hate it when people messages me after 10:30PM on weeknights.
I am screwed for my common test.
I like writing letters more than instant messaging.
I am tempted to pick up dancing again.
I stopped dancing because of my left knee.
I couldn't write any chinese letters until I went back to Beijing to study after Boston.
I look fugly in pictures.
I wear slogan tees alot.
The first Kpop guy I liked was DBSK's Changmin.
I own an online request site.
I have very good friends online. :D
I curse quite alot.
I think I take the same bus home as the guy I like.
I teared because I couldn't remember how he looked exactly recently.
The first story I've ever completed was 'LAST ANGEL' - but there's a sequel.
The first layout on breathe-myname features Jay, and the quote came from GDbaby's story (with reference to The Kite Runner).
I write one shots alot.

War

2010-02-22T02:26:00.000-08:00

"So what's the point of fighting, when we'll all end up with scars"

So I went out and thought that maybe I could break the news that I actually like a guy. But she has problems, so it's my duty to listen to her. I'm willing to listen, I really am. But someones I want someone to listen to what I have to say, and not just go "DUDE! JAY'S GONE. MOVE ON!". Such a pathetic way to show rhyming.

Why won't anyone just listen to what I have to say once?

I wasn't talking. I was layering on the sarcasm. I was being a bitch. I wasn't being crazy. I was just there and I was quiet. I'm never quite. I just wanted you to ask me wtf happened, or wth is wrong with me.

But you didn't bother.

I'm tired of listening to others problems. It's time for people to listen to mine.

I just wish that someone would just ask me what's wrong. I want them to know that I'm not okay.

I like him. I mentioned his name. I wanted to say something about him. Like, ask who the hell he is or something. None of you bothered.

I'm sick of listening to other people's problems.

I want people to see that I'm not okay. I want you to see that I was never okay after J left. I was just pretending that I am. And now that I'm done with pretending? Shit you people. Now you think it's me who wants attention.

I don't care about the effing attention.

I just want someone to listen to me.

And I just wish that my heart would just stop fighting so I could move on. He won't be worth the wait. Actually, I won't be worth the wait.

I used to get this gooey feeling at the bottom of my stomach every time I said his name, and I thought that I really, really liked him so much that it could be considered as love. That's despite the fact that we're 8091 miles apart from each other.

The gooey feelings I used to feel is gone.

And now how the fking hell am I supposed to move on.

Dammit.

I'm disappointed.

Watch out for a new video.

Change

2010-02-18T03:43:00.000-08:00

It ain't always a good thing. I think I'm changing, I'm changing a little too much for my own good. I know.

Sometimes I just wish I could really talk to someone beside me. They won't mind how I'd drop a few tears here and there or something, and they won't mind me being as pathetic as I can possibly be. I want them to know that I'm not crazy and I'm not obsessed. I just want to talk.

So I like someone else now. I sneak peeks at him in class. I hover near my friend partially because she sits near him. I think of him at times, and I'm starting to associate 'J' with him. I don't know him, and I doubt he even knows my name. And I don't think I'll ever know him. What's with everything of mine starting off on a sickening desperate tone man.

I'm gonna get those Forever 21 cargo pants that I never saw. Kudos to Joan who told me.

So what if one day I really disappear and no one frigging misses me?

I forgive people all to easily. The one reason being that I still want them in my life even when they aren't needed.

Thinking of him makes me happy. It makes me sad.

And damn.

It's not supposed to feel this way.

You died, you went to heaven

2010-02-09T04:39:00.000-08:00

And whoever owns the place decided time ain't up for you yet so he kicked you down. And you landed on your ass when you touched the ground. It's a miracle your spine is still so intact that you're alive and breathing. And walking. I am getting tired, really. Somethings are just meant to stay that way, whether it's immortality or a split-second fling. Like orchids, if cared for properly, they will never die. Orchids are immortal. So that's what they say.

So I decided, the best way to move on is to forget. Hence my decision to stop liking the twisted world of kpop. So maybe it didn't work. And it didn't help that my phone's a korean brand. I've never even seen him in my whole entire life, so it didn't make sense that I feel so attached to him. I mean, heck, it'll drive a person crazy.

'I love you' is already too strong for me to handle. So the word 'forever' would probably be outta my league. It's a strong word, way to strong for my liking. I mean, so now you claim you like blahblahblah for eternity/forever, and three days later you forget about him and carry on because you're just chasing a trend. So he isn't of use to you anymore. He doesn't make you look cool or ahead of the crowd anymore. What do you do? You toss him aside like he's some sort of rag doll. It's crap, the way you treat him, and you know it. But so? You like jumping bandwagons, you like climbing walls to different groups. It doesn't hurt you one bit, because you ain't attached to whoever you liked.

It's different for me. I won't say it's love, the feeling I have for him. I would label it as an obsession no matter how much I hate that word. It's something I can't have, something I'd like to call my own. But nothing in life is as simple as we imagined yo. When you like something, someone else is bond to copy your taste only because no one else heard about it before. I'm proud to say that I'm a 2PM fan. But once everyone gets a wind of how hot the guys are or something, I'd be labelled as just another fucking wannabe who likes them. No one will believe me when I try to tell them that I've been liking them even before Again& Again.

Let's face it, no matter how much you tell yourself you're over someone, you heart knows better. And so will you. I'm not over him. I don't want to be. Yet this stupid part of my is already letting go. Because I want him to be happy. Because I want everyone I care about to be happy. I may be a bitch at times, but I really do care.

And it takes me a long time to adjust to things. Like how I will never get used to it. I'll probably never get used to the fact that he's gone. Five months sounds like a frigging long time, but when you put it in a form of days, you'd think it's not that long after all. I mean, it's not even 200 days. So just when I thought that I've finally accepted the fact that he's gone, a month later from his departure, someone will always point it out to me and go, "Hey! Look! Doesn't he look cute in here?", and everything will hit me all over again.

So basically I'm just caught in a moment that won't get go of itself no matter how hard I try to. Sometimes I wish that I'm tinman in the Wizard of Oz. I wish I didn't have a heart. Because if I didn't have one, I can just close my eyes and nothing else will matter anymore. Because even when times change, the heart never changes. So if i didn't have a heart, I won't have to worry. My heart won't have to yearn. It won't have to beat so hollowly. So I can just close my chest to things I don't want to feel. It's selfish. I am selfish. Get over with it.

It's painful to wait.

It's even more painful to forget.

But time has a way of changing things.

So yeah. I guess I'd have to wait.

Maybe it won't hurt so much after I came back from Taiwan.

Maybe it won't hurt so much after I came back from UK.

Or maybe after I return from Beijing.

Or camp.

I miss you.

Crap. That was pathetic.

It's Been A While

2010-02-06T22:24:00.000-08:00

A very long while. I feel like I've been waiting too long. For those who know me, I can't wait. No fucking way man. I don't wait. And if i do, I'll become very very pissed at whoever I was waiting for and stomp off when they finally appear.

So it surprises me when I decided to wait so long for something that's never going to come. Like what...the song 'It's Been A While' says, it's been a long time since the last time I saw you. I was reading my drafts on my ~~stupid~~corby when I realised just how pathetic I actually am. And that brought tears to muh eyes. OHOHOHOHOHO.

I wrote about how scared I was when the last jelly band of mine broke. It broke in my sleep. Pathetic, I know. And for some weird reason, my arm was raised to the top of my head, so there's no effing way that the band was squashed by my tremendous weight. I remember it was the 139th day. And I was going "I still find it too soon to be true." My crap about time healing? Fuck. Time doesn't heal. It's just that healing takes time.

Like what I said, I just want you to be happy. For whatever it takes to bring a smile onto that face ~~that can never be compared to the pretty boys in korea~~ that I miss so much. So he isn't all that good looking compared to Jaejoong or Lee Junki or Minho or something, but he's special. See his eyes? He's the third person in my life I saw with those eyes. And I want them.

So I said, two years. Wait for me. Heck, I'm basically implying that time should stop for the whole world except for me. This will be the only way anything's going to be possible anyway. After I finish my O Levels I'm going to go over there. I'm going to live with some old korean woman who will feed me and allow a shelter over my head while I pay her rent. So two years, I'd be 16. I'd be legal in the states. And so my dad said no. And so I thought, fine. Then it'll be four years. I could wait that long, yeah.

So what if one day my tears suddenly run dry and I'm not all that hurt anymore? I was watching your bboy video on my phone the other day. Fine, very long ago. I just thought of it two nights ago. It was Wild Bunny after the bboy video. And so I started laughing at your goofy tactics. And then I started crying. I cried for what you've become and I cried for who you once were.

我会默默的祈祷, 希望再次看到你微笑.

And my best friend told me, "You know right, if you never let go of Jaebum you'll never fall in love." So I started thinking about what she said about getting a crush or something. I fall for guys with swaggers. Like this one Sec 2 guy. Stupid little boy -.- And this guy in my class. So I like bboys. I like people who have a swagger in their walk.

Does any of you know that no one's telling me how to give up. Or that I should give up when every single one of you knows nothing's possible. Wild hopes. That's what all of you are giving me. No one instructed me to wake up at 2.34 every morning, yet I still do so. No one tried to tell me to stop the tears from flowing. They told me to persist on and stay strong. They told me that all the fighting I've done will go to waste if I chose to give up now. But how much fighting did I really do? No one taught me how not to be pathetic. And I realised that the excessive amount of tears in the past few days meant that I'm ready to give up.

And the thing is that I don't know what I'm supposed to give up on.

So I started carving your name on every single surface possible. Even my favorite pendant. I carved your name on with a metal ruler. And my cupboard. And my wall. And my table. And behind every post it I've pasted on my closet, there'll always be a faint trace of your name. It wasn't even intentional. It just happened. I realised that I just want to forever remember that you were a very important aspect of my lowly life. Not just my life, but me as a person on whole.

All the posters that I've made, saved and discarded. All the post its I've written and developed a dull ache in my right arm. That stupid picture of you I stuck behind my monkey. The name I carved with my nails on the plastic wrapping of every single file. The Takashimaya paper bag I ruined by poking a pen knife through it. The pear drink that has been sitting on my desk since two months ago. Everything's there for a reason, and yet I don't know what that stupid reason is.

The most stupid thing is that my heart still beats faster when I see any news related to you. I still feel guilty when I watch Magnae Rebellion because I know you can never be on. I bit my finger when I watch Key's tactics because it reminds me so much of how you're not going to be there to laugh at how Key is. I kept saying to myself again and again how I want you to be happy, how I want you to smile. I mean it, I really do. But the more I wish for your happiness, the more selfish I become. That's what I said. And I thought that I could give you the world. Puh-lease. The word impossible is made for a person like me.

So I started rolling my eyes at everyone and telling them I'm okay. It's a miracle my eyes didn't get stuck to the back of my head and I can see my brain juices disappear every single day and day. It's just so that my friend's won't (if they even bother) keep asking "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED." You fully well know what happened. We'll never know what tomorrow will be like won't it? The bus I'm in might just crash into some weird van or something than POOF.

Everything's gone.

When alls said and done

2010-01-27T02:26:00.000-08:00

No one will take me seriously when I say something anymore. Everyone thinks I want to go to Seattle because of Jay. No one believes me when I say that it's not because of him. I admit. He plays a vital role in making me want to go there. But that's not the whole picture. No one bothers to know the whole picture before telling me that I'm hopeless. No one believes me anymore. And for some reason, I'd stare at my books and cry.

I don't cry for people all that much. But I cried for myself, for all the wrongs i've done. For everything and everyone I've let down. The thing is I love America. Everyone around me should know. So maybe I'm not an ABC, but I went there when i was like, four. It influenced me, Boston. It's just so different from the things I'm used to. Like the accents there. They have more of a...british, stiff upper lip accent than the rest of America. Perhaphs thats why i can understand the british better than anyone else.

No one takes me seriously. They forgot that I have a life as well, and this part of my life doesn't have Jay in it. I want to go there. It's a dream of mine.

Every time I take a test, I'd think I screwed it. I'm scared, you know? I'm scared that I'll screw every single fucking test that's coming my way. It's not about Jay. It really isn't. But Jay plays this hugue role in my effed up life. Like how I wrote my diagnostic essay on him, and i scored one of the top in my class. But I wrote it based on Jay. What if one day I stopped liking Jay? WIll it mean I'm going to flunk my english as well?

And I'm scared I'd screw up my O Levels.
And I won't get into JC.
And I won't be able to take SATs.
And I won't be able to get into UW.

Jaellie unnie told me that I'm "more capable of doing more things than you know". But what if she's wrong? What if I am a failure of a person?

No one believes me, even if they say they do. I know a part of them is saying 'she's doing it for Jay' every time i do something. Like everything I do is linked to Jay in some sort of way.

Fine. I do admit I like Jay more than anyone else I've liked before. Like what my friend said, I liked Jay more than Key, than Geng, than min. But I like the Jay that's shown on stage. I don't know the real Jay at all. And one day I'm finally going to realise that I've been liking a lie all along. I've been liking someone I don't even know. What's going to happen to me than.

I don't have a bright future. I know it fully well.

I quote, "Jay is already a part of you. No matter who he is. No matter if he's Jaebeom or Jay. You loved him."

I don't know anymore. I know Jay's screwing up my life. He made me give up on my dream. He made me think that some are evil. The thing is, I care about what other people think. Sometimes it's impossible for me to use those as stepping stones, because if i did, I'd remember every single comment they made about it. Than I'd chicken out. I know i decide my own life, unnie, i know. But their comments affect me. My friend told me "I just don't get a good feeling out of all of this." And I start to doubt everything I've done. Everything I've said.

Sometimes I know I care too much about what others think. No, I don't have 20/20 memory. But I always tend to remember the bad parts of things. Like how I cry for something. It's like I remember all the bad parts of a song. I can't forget it. I can't push it to the back to my mind. Even if i said i did, i didn't. All the bad comments about me, I do remember them.

Like how Cin said that jay wasn't a part of 2PM anymore. She was kidding, I know she was. And I also know that she didn't mean it. But I just started off without her and cried. I never cry in public. But i just sat there, and the tears just came. It was on the 26th of November. I remember, because I just do. I just do. There are some stupid things like that I just remember, and i dont even keep a diary.

I KNOW IT'S NOT RIGHT. STOP TRYING TO TELL ME IT'S WRONG TO THINK OF HIM. I know it isn't. So there's not much point in telling me something i ALREADY KNOW. I KNOW I think too much about him. I know it's NOT RIGHT. He's screwing up my life. He is.

And you know what?

I can't stop it.

Jaellie unnie also told me to noto let the past hold me back. Use it to build the future.

I don't know if i can do that.

Is it just me or am I majorly screwed. Damn. I think I'm going crazy, not just pulling-my-hair-out crazy but in delusional mentally ill crazy.

This isn't right.

-
“No matter where you are, we will always have this invisible tie. You'll come back I know you will” - Quoted from Ghost Love

Back In The Days

2010-01-24T00:37:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think I think too much. Thinking too much kills the brain cells. Thinking too much makes you catch a cold. Thinking too much makes you wish you don't think too much.

I went nuts yesterday night and messaged my friend at around 12(?) even though i had to wake up at 7 the next day. The message went something along the lines of ''Rmb back in the days b4 kpop took over sg i was like 'whn shinee come Sg must go with me alright? N when dbsk come we oso must go!''

It's saddening to me that what i once thought was mine has to be shared now. I told her that even if 2PM comes to singapore (again), i might not even go.

Yes, I am selfish.

Go take a hike man.

You know I'd put up a fight if some fat assed bitch goes around telling everyone she has Jay's kid or that Khuns gawdammned goo in bed or something. I'm not much for physical stuff, but those people deserve to be punched. -cough- I am so good at sharing.

Dude.

Can you hear the sarcasm in there?

My nose is running like crap. GAH.

The words 'back in the day' popped up in my mind when I was at the BC, which caused me to whip out my corby at full speed to text my friend. Of course, my teacher stared at me -.-

I know i heard it somewhere before.

'Now i remember back in the day'

Like some faded old record player going on and on. Its annoying when it goes around n round in your head.

Google is a powerful thing.

VOILA!

G-Dragon A Boy.

(......)

I know.

Poseur

2010-01-21T02:09:00.000-08:00

No. I ain't talking about the book. I'm pinpointing those whom just can't seem to get their own personality. Since they have no interesting life at hand, they'd rip someone else's life off because it's' so much more interesting. I've always laughed at those kinda people. Like those whom follow me.

The people who tell me that brands doesn't matter. Alright. Since it doesn't, than why do you keep complaining to me on how your dad's gonna buy you a tiffany bracelet and yet he still didn't? -.- Man. I want to ask you. "Do you fucking know where T&Co. is in Singapore?" I bet you don't. And I bet you've never looked inside the shop before and sense how much it doesn't fit you. Heck. I like Tiff&Co, but it's not me. Maybe the charm bracelet or the leather band I saw ages ago, but I don't rock in leather. And so won't you. So when you tell me that your legs are the same length as me (you mean longer, bich), I'll be nice and refrain myself from rolling my eyes at you. Have you ever wondered how models came about? Yeah. They're tall. But their legs go on for miles. I know my legs are mtheffing short, but come on. I'm more than 10cm taller than you. Is it really possible? And oh, the fact that you're...10kg? Heavier than me.

Speaking of weight, i am now 46kg -.-

Heck.

I remember Eminem's When I'm Gone back when I still lived on the 11th floor. "She's piling boxes in front of the door." I remember that little blond girl in red who reached into her chest pocket and drew out one locket like thing. And Usher's Yeah!. Heck, I don't even know when that was. I just knew. And Simple Plan's cd. I actually bought it. Perhaps my strange obsession with old men started then.

Ok. Why is my blog so pessimistic.

Ehhhhhhhh.

I just like eminem's rap ballads. They make my day. So what if he curses in em? Heck. HIS TRADE MARK YO. SLIM SHADY. -.- The real slimshady, just like the real fresh beezy.

Heck.

I should stop.

AND OH!

Kudos for the layout to CHAZZIE UNNIE.

I spy with my little eye. Anyone can spot something in there?

The More

2010-01-19T01:59:00.000-08:00

The more I search up information on the illness the more paranoid I am that I'm getting it. No, I don't have delusions or illusions. I don't hear things and I don't see things that don't belong there. Maybe i do see things. But maybe it's just the trick of light. I just keep having this feeling that somethings always pressing down against my chest. Even when I'm upright, like now. And I tear for no frigging reason, like now. It's killing me. My decision is killing me. It really is. Yet I'm planning to keep it. To hell with it. It's hard. It really is.

They say it's 15-25 for men and 25-35 for women.

What if I'm considered under the male group?

I'm scared. I really, really am. Can anyone see the tears that are forming in my eyes now? Yes? No? maybe so? I just realised that it's only the third week of school. I've already had 3 timetable changes, and so much work to do. I'm worn out. I really, really am.

I have to stop using the word really.

It's not like I can't think straight or anything, it's just that sometimes i'm too tired to think. There's nothing wrong with my speech. It's not that my brain suddenly cut off what I want to say or something. it's just that sometimes i find the things i want to say too...complicated. No one will understand because it's impossible for them to think of it as how i do. My sentences are long. It's not that i don't want to eat. It's that everytime i see food, i have the urge to puke. Like during recess, i opted to stay in class instead even though my tummy was rumbling cause i just can't seem to face food. Like when i order, i order alot. And I can't finish it. I used to be able to finish like, 2 times of how much i order. Now? I can't even finish half.

The first time i puked was because of how hard of an impact the whole situation was.

The second time i really, really puked was last...friday. the day i gave everything up. the day i got corby. the day something died in me.

My dad was patting my back to as to calm me down, and i was there dry heaving. I felt as if i just couldn't breath, couldn't think straight. I bet i looked worst than shit at it's worst stage. Oh well. I don't have a history of morning sickness, yet every time i get up, my head starts spinning. Like, just now. I heard the opposite construction site drill and all of a sudden everything started spinning. I really thought my whole block was spinning. I really thought it did. Stop laughing at me -.-

The thing is, i usually get those feelings when i'm lying down or when i stood up in a hurry. I was sitting here, nothing moving because my fingers and my nose twitching. Heck.

It's not that I'm paranoid or something. It's just that wherever I look i keep thinking people are looking at me, judging on what i wear or how i looked that day. That explains the heaps of clothes that are on my bedroom floor. And all of a sudden after my vacation in bali i just didn't care anymore. Must be the new era cap that did me in. I didn't leave my room (yes, ROOM) without my cap. Heck. I even wore it over my head even when my hair was wet. Even in the car. Everywhere. Even when I was eating. Even in KFC. Even in McDonalds. I wore it everywhere for three straight days. And I loved it. So screw my retarded fringe because it looked horrible with my cap.

I never said that I'm depressed. Dude, it's just the way my face looks. I don't go all out to act cute for the sake of the world, aye? I have a natural born poker face. Deal with it. That's why I act so well. And why i lie so well.

The more i think of it the more im sure im getting it.

I lack of motivation.

Now all of you are going to start pelting rocks at me. Yes, i've said for a frigging thousand times i wanna get into Udubb. Yes. Rain city, emerald city. Everott. But what will i do after that? waste my life away for someone like. Well.

You.

The Last Song

2010-01-15T20:43:00.000-08:00

It's not easy giving up, heck, TRYING to give up on something. You know it as well as I do, especially when the thing means more to you than your entire life. Music Bank was on last night, and my mom was screaming at me, telling me how crazily obsessed i was for crying when she changed the channel. She doesn't know how much it means to be to watch that performance. To her I might just be having one of my normal obsessive spazzes, but it's a total different case for me.

The speech Junho gave marks the end of my kpop fangirling. Heck, the end of any form on fangirling.

She told me that i was crazy, uncontrollable, obsessed. I cried, i screamed, she screamed at me, i got a kick on my waist, and so on. It's a miracle she didn't slap me on the face.

I was crying for a totally different reason than what she had stated. I wasn't crying because I can't watch 2PM's good bye stage, but for that it marks MY goodbye to kpop, the end of the four years i've wasted in my life on kpop. I don't regret it. I guess people just tend to misunderstand me.

"我以后再也不看了."

I was serious when i told my mom. Fine, the tears on my face may speak otherwise, but it's always hard to end something. It wasn't something i've said on impulse. It's something that I've thought of for quite a period of time.

That performance of heartbeat, with the tears and the injury will mark the end of my four-year relationship with the thing i call kpop. Heck, wtf said i wasn't committed should shoot themselves now.

It's funny how i sat there crying while taec looked evil doing heartbeat with my mom at the back telling me how fucking retarded i am and how fucking disgusting the group is and how it's supposed to be her turn to watch because she only has two days where she can watch her stupid drama. I tried to explain, and i tried to block out what she said.

Fuck man.

It'll probably take every last ounce of my energy to keep my promise. From unfollowing all those fansites and allkpop (yes, standing ovation please), I'll do homework. You have no idea how much i did in the past few days. Ten chinese new paper cuttings. Maths filling more than eight pages of an A4 notebook. Promises are always easier said than done, but whatever. That superstition can just go to hell man. I might regret this in the future, but for now, Udubb's more important. My life's more important than this...hobby. You don't know how much it takes for me to give up on this so don't fucking roll you eyes and tell me how much of a poseur fan i am. Fuck you if you say so. You deserve to die if you do, because I bet you're a new fan when you say it. HA. Tell that to your senior and i bet she'll kick your butt all the way to pluto. I own mars, so gtfo my turf.

Choices have consequences. Heck, adam khoo drilled it into my head three years ago. Or was it four? Heck, let's make it four. I don't believe in the fact that the number four is cursed, so put a sock in it and shut up. I want to make a good choice. Four year's a long time. No matter how old you are you'll still acknowledge that it's a long time.

From DBSK to Super Junior to SHINee to 2PM.

DBSK got me into it. 2PM will be the death of me, as i've already said so. It's a tough choice, hell yeah it is. I'm up on FANGIRLING. Which means I'd still listen to kpop. I'll just stop. Promises are meant to be kept as well.

DBSK, SJ, SHINee, 2PM, Park Jaebeom, Kim Key, Han Geng, Changmin.

J.T.P is mine.

I won't give him up for the world. I've sunken in too much. Hopefully i wont regret my decision.

In my dad's words, "If you can get into UW with a full scholarship, go. If you can get in with half, go. Heck, even if you're just accepted, we'd sell out mansionette and live in a smaller one if it's what it takes for you to go."

I suddenly realised that my parents do care about me.

one smile made me want to give up

2010-01-12T03:20:00.000-08:00

it's stupid isn't it? how a single smile from from a lil kiddo made me want to give up every single thing that i used to love. Namely, Kpop.

10 January, 2010. I was at Tanglin Mall's cold storage staring at the ridiculously overpriced stuff when I heard a kid crying. There's this little blond boy crying, strapped in a pram with no one beside him.

Blue-grey eyes.

He had blue-grey eyes.

So I set down stupid cookie (SINGLE) which costs $6.89 and went over to the sale and stared at him. I waved.

He stared at me.

I stared right back at him.

Oh he had gorgeous eyes.

He started smiling at me, so I smiled back. Oh, his drool covered his mouth btw. It was this stupid gesture that made me want to give everything up. I've been into Kpop since the end of 2006, and four years later, I'm deciding to let everything go. I quote from Mr. Mathers "Every thing happens for a reason". So yeah. It happened for a reason, and I hope that ain't involving trying to distract me from buying that weird soft cookie.

I miss bagels. And cream cheese.

Typical.

I realised that time really flies pass so frigging fast. I remember watching Star Boulevard(?) on CCTV and Han Geng was like "you're part of the 90ers, you people are still young." Everyone was under 20 than, and now? The last of them died out. The 90ers are reaching twenty. I'M reaching twenty in a few years, and heck, it won't take that long.

I suddenly remembered the dream I had so long ago, involving me turning into a werewolf and destroying BC, leaving carpetless classrooms in grumbles. That was like, four years ago? I killed everyone. I swear I did. I ruined everything.

Jae asked me why that little boy made me want to give up. I told her that I fall in love too easily, get lured in too easily. I'd like a new group every year, and I'd still be liking the group I liked before too. Four years. DBSK, Super Junior, SHINee, 2PM. DBSK started everything for me. 2PM might just be the death of me if I don't end everything soon. It just clicked in my head when I saw the little boy smile back. I was like the little boy. I still AM like the little boy. It's like, you give him candy, and he'll follow you around like a little puppy because you did something or gave something to him. I'm someone who follows once you've thrown a bait and it's my type.

Like what I said, I'm letting go of Kpop.

I don't know how I'll be able to do this, but yeah.

Letting go doesn't mean forgetting DUDE!

I NEED TO CONCENTRATE.

Eff.

BOBOISM
Keep fresh & ballin
Payce & Out
The Fresh Beezy

The good ol days

2010-01-09T04:49:00.000-08:00

Was readng myunghee's blog before this. Reading her stuff really wants me to slap myself in the face. One 'big tight smack', quoted from her lost cousin. I really should. I've been beside myself too long. heck, someone tell me why i'm tearing while i'm typing this.

I AM IN NO WAY INSULTING ANYONE. I'm just stating my point of view. This isn't like 'My user name's used by someone else', but 'someone else stole my whole identity' thing. It's like saying 'That company stole my family' when in reality they're buying off the shares of the company your family OWN.

THIS IS WRITTEN WHEN I'M ANGRY. AND I MEAN ANGRY. AND PISSED. AND PLAIN OLD SAD.

First hit : Yesterday.
My friend likes 2PM. She hates Jay. "He's like, so disgusting!"
I decided to keep quite and ignore what she had said. It hurts, even though i know she doesn't mean it. I think she doesnt mean it. I hope she doesn't mean it. Fuck. She die if she means it.

Second hit : Today.
Some idiot went 'LETS PARTY! HE'S FINALLY GONE! JAEBOM HAS LEFT!!!' or something along that line. I can't be bothered to remember. Heck. I wanted to reach over my computer screen and give that person a good ol' knuckle sandwich that she'll remember for the rest of her life. And yet i decided, forget it. Not worth it.

I know Jay isn't the best out of the herd. Fine, everyone likes Woo. I like him too. But i like Jay as well. Like what i always say, if you like one person out of the group, you should like the whole group. I like Changmin, so i'll like Micky. I like Han Geng, so i should like Kangin. Why am i so drained all of a sudden? It's been just a week of school and i feel like i'm actually dying. WOOTS. The water work's coming on! My mom thinks i'm nuts! You have no right to talk about Jay like that. So what if he said Korea was gay? DUDE! PAST TENSE! WAS! I never thought i'd still talk about this topic in -gasp- -.- 2010, but this bitch just had to make me bring it up. leave him alone. It's been four months. You know i still have SO much to say. Wait for it. Bitch. I'll get you. It doesn't matter if poop` decides to abduct me because i'm in kindergarten, ima gon getcho man. I quote from the king of swagga Kim Junsu (from2 PM) HEOSOOMI'S HERE.

Fuck if i'm delusional. Fuck with it.

Third Hit:
It's been a while since i've been on winglin or update anything. But i kinda flared up when i saw someone with the name 'Fresh Beezy'. Hey, the fresh bitch's me yo. GTFO my turf. I mean, dude. You really wanna call yourself a bitch when you're a sweet lil nothing like Kara in pretty girl? Heck. It's like KARA's total FAILness of an attempt to do Again & Again. FAIL. FAILTASTIC. I reserve the word for my artworks only, but oh well. I don't write stories with the title My Twin. I don't. It's against my own morals. And oh, it has Jay. Everyone thought it was me. Myunghee thought it was me. Jaeeun dongsaeng thought it was me. Faithy thought it was me. Heck, half the comments she got was because of me. DUDE. STFU.

Is it so hard to tell that i'm pissed?

I miss the good old days where DBSK's releasing Jap singles like no tomorrow. I miss the good old winglin days where there isn't much cliche plot lines. I miss it when i'm ME. BoBoLi0us, Soomi, akimotochiaki, HEOSUSHI, Chris.T.na, Fresh Beezy. They were my alter egos. Now half are gone. I miss whom i used to be.

It's just the first week of school and i broke down. I was so tired. I still am so tired. I'm growing old. The good old days where i used to like w-inds. and they still had good music. The good old primary school days where i can score without studying. The good old days where i trashed everyone in sports. The good old days where i'm still thin and taller than everyone.

I miss myself.

I lose myself.

I miss the days where i don't have to stare at my notebook and try to blink away my tears. Everyone sounds so crap right now.

I miss my life.

BOBOISM
THE FRESH BEEZY
Toodles man.

Changes

2010-01-04T04:27:00.000-08:00

I've came to realise that i hate it.

I hate changes.

Kill me if possible.

Heck.

3 days ago i was being stupid and doing abracadabra at NTU.
3 days later i'm sulking before the comp looking for ways to die without disfiguring myself.
Heck.

I hate changes.

Someone save me from this.

A plane ticket perhaps?

Life

2009-12-28T01:45:00.000-08:00

Yes. Here I go again, rambling mindlessly about something that doesn’t really concern you or me.

If my title’s life, than I’d talk about the total opposite thing.

Death.

I think I’m dying, I seriously am.

I sweat for no reason and I’m freezing on the hottest nights in Singapore. My chest hurts when I try to breathe. I can’t eat much, and I used to pig out on stuff. Ice cream starts to disgust me. I can’t even finish a McDonald’s vanilla cone.

Heck, what’s the point of me talking here? No one will actually know that I’m dead unless someone who knows me decides to pop up online and spread the news.

I wanted to die in my sleep when I’m 90 with the one I love holding my hand by my side.

Heck I’m retarded.

That’s never going to happen.

It feels as if my life’s already over before it even started.

I have nothing to look forward to in life.

Heck, might as well end it.

Someone once said that life was a stage, and death just meant leaving the stage long enough to change your costume and come back as a new character. If that’s really the case, I’d die then and there. But I don’t want to let people down. I hate letting people down, and when I actually do, I feel so guilty. I mean it.

And I’m scared, I’m selfish.

What if the costume I changed into wasn’t what I wanted?

What if I get shipped off into doing slave trade in Thailand or some sort of things? I have nothing against Thailand, I love that place. Best beaches in the world.

This is retarded.

I want to be Chinese again. I want to be an ABC. I want to live in somewhere on the west coast instead of the east. I want to be far from San Diego. I want to be a bboy. I want to have an older brother whom dances as well. I want to go to a normal school and I want to get into the U of W. I want to plan out my life, yet I’m not bothering no matter how much business I talk.

This is pointless.

I feel like vomiting.

02.28P.M. 281209
BOBOISM
Keep fresh & ballin`
Payce & Out

Yume

2009-12-24T03:14:00.000-08:00

It's funny how my dreams reflect the reality, no matter how much people says that dreams are supposed to be the opposite.

I am selfish, fine i admit.

And i tend to abandon the people i love when i'm in danger in my dream.

Sounds fun isn't it.

Try screaming when you wake up.

Moving On

2009-12-19T20:01:00.000-08:00

Like what Liyin said in her song 'Moving On', "I wanna let go and advance forward alone, that was when I realised that I can't walk that far."

I don't know how that's going to reflect what i'm going to write, but oh well. It's for the sake of the title.

I spent three hours tossing and turning on 11 at night. I can't fall asleep, so i sat up, leaned against my bolster, closed my eyes and started to think.

How the heck will I be able to get into the U of W with marks like...well, mine?

I'm really starting to doubt all the words I've said, especially in my letter to Yunni. Heck, I forgot what i said, but i know it's all 'i have faith in myself' stuff. I mean, how will they be even remotely possible? The first thing is that there's an 8 year difference, I'm 14 and he's 22, to start everything off. And I told myself, "Age matters alot now, but four years later, it won't."

He'd be...26 four years later, and I'd be eighteen. If everything goes according to plan, I'd get into the U of W in Seattle and I'd be breathing the same air as him. But when age doesn't matter anymore four years later, he won't be who he is now. He'd be back to Park Jaebeom, the leader of the top performance group in 2PM and I'd still be the same old Christina. Jay Park won't exist anymore. The person I like will be gone by then, left behind in Seattle.

...So what if i get to Seattle? There won't be a common language between us even if I get to meet him one day. He's a star, I'm a fan. Stars regard fans as crazy beings despite saying that they mean the world. How can he ever accept someone like me when he's going to be surrounded once again by plastic beauties from Korea? All those stupid variety shows? Blond Jessica?

Crap. And to think everything I've done, all my liking for him is gratuitous.

Somehow i feel stupid.

I'm Back

2009-12-15T21:15:00.000-08:00

Though i doubt anyone noticed the fact that i'm gone >___>

New fics in making.

127 Days
Half A World Away
Hello Again
Eienty

WHEEEEEEEE.

Epic failness trying to rewrite my key fics.

Icons

2009-12-06T19:47:00.000-08:00

Kudos to Jusce for the awesome icons~!!!!! Now i'm thinking i should request my posters from her as well. TEEEEEHHHHEEEEE
Featuring jay.
Wait, isn't that like, expected.
LALALALALA.

I'm deluded.

Good to know.

The first one's actually supposed to be Geister Fahrer. LOL.

4 년

2009-12-03T01:51:00.000-08:00

I've been wondering about this question since forever.

What will I be doing in four years time.

Part of me wants to be performing on stage, and yet the other part of me wants to be studying at UW. I know, fat hope bitch, but still.

And how people say that your dreams are the direct opposite of reality? HA. So if i dreamt of a person whom i really care about dying in my dreams, i'd be the one who died. CHEERIOS.

And how i seem to STILL be living in the memory that should have died long ago.

Its stupid, really.

fallecimiento

2009-12-01T04:46:00.000-08:00

Like what I've said before, he took a marker and wrote his name permanently in my heart, and no matter what I do, it can never be erased.

I thought he died.
I really thought he did.

I woke up this morning, sweating like hell. The first thing i did was to message cin and ask her "Is Jay dead?" and she didn't reply me. I thought the whole world was hiding it from me then.

So I went online (FINALLY) after a certain person stopped using it. I didn't care check allkpop, or even my twitter for 2oneday updates. Because, maybe it's deja vu, but i swear i've already checked everything the night before. And the thing is, i didn't even use the computer.

I thought he's dead.

I really thought he was dead.

And everyone didn't care.

That was what i was so freaked out about. People went like "He is...? oh." and just walked away, leaving me there to stare in disbelief at wtf it was.

It was like all the fans of his just disappeared into thin air, and i went online telling yunni to tell me the truth.

The truth that Jay might have died in the time span of 12 hours.

I didn't believe it. And yet something told me something was wrong.

I think i'm going crazy.

I really am.

And when Yunni told me he's not, i suddenly realised how fking stupid i was being.

He's not dead.

And yet he did.

Somehow, he's dead and alive at the same time.

And I don't like it.

I need a ticket to west washington. now.

By My Side

2009-11-29T22:44:00.001-08:00

I wrote help with my own blood, because hope's all i've have left.

It's the irony of life. You want people to know you, you want to get to know people, but when all fails and you turn around, you realise you don't really know anyone. Even those who're closest to you, you've never really gotten to know them well enough. Sometimes getting to know a person is easy, and sometimes it's not.

You can get to know a person in five minutes and become the best of friends in 5 days.

But you can try and get to know a person in five months, and five years later, they still would be just another familiar stranger in your life. You'd nod and greet each other and walk away, even though you know deep in your that you've tried.

Have you tried hard enough?

Sometimes you want to die because you've tried too hard, and the person just treats you like shit. And you'll never know what that particular person's thinking. And no matter how hard you try, he'd never warm up to you. He'll cause the death of you. I quote from Myunghee, "I'm dying trying to live." It's the end of you, you know it, and yet you persevere on because you hope that one day he'd finally turn around and open his eyes and see wtf he's missing out. And you know that stupid glammour of hope might be the end of you, and yet you don't care.

Persevering might be the end of you.

And you don't fucking care.

You did nothing wrong.

You don't deserve to be treated this way.

It's not your fault.

It never was.

Sometimes you wish he'd stay by your side no matter what.

But guess what, he's not the one. No matter how much you'll die inside knowing this, and you DO know this, you don't care. Stubborness. Oh it runs in the family.

You'll never admit you're wrong.

Smile.

For what you had.

Don't cry for what you've lost.

By the way, would you stay by my side?

Again, only time will tell.

Let him be

2009-11-26T19:54:00.001-08:00

For those who know me, they should know that i'm not the type to cry for no reason in front of an audience. I never did, and the last time i did that was because of my family. Hell, i won't ever cry for a guy or something. HA. But apparently times changed. Or i changed. Whatever.

When Cin suddenly said "HA. Jay's not a part of 2PM anymore." I wanted to take it as lightly as possible. But something, some stupid thing, just came over me and i stalk all the way back. I don't know what's happening to me. I really don't. And when i reached the playground, i just sat with my back turned and started tearing. Oh wait, crying. Crap. I was crying like shit. And hey, none of the noticed. ^^

I don't know wtf my problem is. I NEVER CRY IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. NEVER.

I lived on that sentence you know?

我很丢脸. 我知道我很丢脸.

I don't fking cry like this.
I won't fking cry like this.
I can't fking cry like this.

And leave him alone, will you? FUCK! NO ONE FREAKING CARED ABOUT WTF ART OF MOVEMENT WAS UNTIL THE WHOLE JAY THING CAME UP! HELL, I'm a fan of Cha Cha, and NOT because that he's in AOM. I really am a fan, but i feel bad when hottest all around the world's uploading recent videos RIPPED OFF from the TRUE bboys.

Shit, you know i have a very soft spot for bboys, aye?

And i'm angry.

WTF. I'm freaking pro. I'd better go kill all of my same kind and join the enemy. HA.

I'm delusional, fine. I cried for Jay. FINE. My life is screwed up because of him.

Fine.

Just leave him alone, just let him be. He'll never have the heart to return if everyone keeps on pestering him like this. even if i'm making 999 cranes for him now, even if i'm writing this thing for him now, i'd give it to him when i finally see him one day, and i'd definately not stalk. Because things happen for a reason, i believe in that.

But now, like what i always say, only time will tell.

SO FUCKING LET HIM BE ALRIGHT.

IT'S NOT LIKE IT'LL KILL YOU.

If dying was an opinion for him to return, i'd have died.

Cin, i know you didn't mean what you said bout jay not being in 2pm anymore, and i didn't think that i'd take it to heart, but i did.

Oh yeah,, jae. The song you told me to listen really got me emotional. Heh. I started tearing at the end, and it came out at full force and i was crying like shit. But hey, no one noticed. :D

When will this longing for Jay end. When will the sun rise up again. The voices in my head got me asking over and over again and again.When will this pain i feel ever subside. When will i ever be strong enough to fight. And it's time to realise that he's gone.

And there's nothing i could do.

12:08PM. 2711O9
BOBOISM

Stavolta

2009-11-23T05:17:00.000-08:00

Like what people always say, time heals. It really does. Like what I wrote, born a fighter. I don't know if Jay was born a fighter, but I hope i was. I was born on a sunny day, so i don't really see the reason why i despise sunshine so much. It doesn't always have to make sense, you know?

Sometimes i think i'm going crazy. I quote from Jae,"Wipe those tears away now. Be strong and smile. Let's wait for him to come back... together. Hold my hand as we both take on this biggest challenge. The challenge to face tomorrow without him and also the challenge of faithfulness. Believe that he's coming back, because he is. Keep him safe - right in your heart. Don't let all the memories of him being happy wither away just like that. Allow him to treasure it. Allow him to use it as his strength in facing tomorrow. Let's be there for him for as long as he wants. Let's love him the way he loved us. Like a friend of mine once said ; A FIGHTER NEVER QUITS AND A QUITTER NEVER FIGHTS Because of him and what he went through, this girl right here is stronger and happier. She's able to smile without any hesitation, she's able to love without asking for it in return. Just like him, she's willing to sacrifice a lot. JAY PARK because of you I'm stronger and happier. It must be tough on you right now and on the past months as well, but you're still up on your feet fighting and striving. Because of you I believe, I believe that when you lose a fight you don't walk away empty handed, you learn a lesson and you use it as a stepping stone of your tomorrow. Be sure sweetie because just like any other HOTTEST I'm waiting & believing. I love you Jay (not as much as BoBo) but I do. I'll see ya soon babes ^^ STAY STRONG and SOLDIER ON!"

I don't know how many people had told me to stay strong, to keep going, quitters never win. And i'm a fighter. So a fighter should never quit.

but sometimes i question myself, with all these questions and worries existing, how the hell can i move on without hurting myself. No, i won't resort to slitting, thank you. I don't know, yeah? I really don't. Sometimes I just wish that there's medicine for regret. I regret too much.

I always wonder why every single one of my entries have to mention Jay. I don't know. I seriously don't. I wanna thank all those who'd supported me so far. Thank you. Someday, i might really quit. Delete photoshop from my computer, delete every single thing i actually cared for, all my stories, all the conversation, msn, facebook, this blog, and just start anew. Perhaps I'd see some of you very soon.

Angel, don't you cry. Because soldiers don't cry, yeah? Soldiers bear the pain, and they fight on. Soldiers are born a fighter. Soldiers born to fight on, and we'll win this fight somehow, because you've got us, and we've got your back. Time heals, fuck i should like a freaking hallmark card, but time heals. It freaking does. You might never forget it fully, but it'll always fade away. And me? I'm trying to forget. I'll try to forget that i've ever liked him.

I'll try.

I'll try to forget about everything i ever did.

Im sorry.

I truly am.

Back To Reality

2009-11-22T01:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if it's possible for me to go back to my usual routine ever again. This is stupid. It really is. Back to reality where life still exists without hanging onto every single piece of news plastered around the net about him. Or the days where every single reference to the hottest time of the day ain't thumbtacked with the departure of their leader.

What's it again? We miss you, so come back quickly.

Is half a year enough? I was sitting at my desk asking myself that question. And i thought 'no'. It's not enough. So i scratched out whatever crap I had written before and started off a new page. Seven months...? It'll be spring time then. Isn't spring like, the start of everything? When the snow melts and seeps into the ground, it leaves everything fresh? Despite the fact that everyone labeling spring as the spokeseason of a new beginning, i don't think so.

Sometimes, i ask myself even if a year's even enough for the whole thing.

Maybe a whole entire life time won't be enough to heal the pain that was caused.

The truth hurts, you can't deny that it's a fact. It's a stupid fact. And it's useless trying to dodge away from life because there'll always be things, and people, running after you for everything you didn't accomplish. Eventually we'll pay the price, won't we? All the hate, all the lies. There's nothing we can do about it. We can never run away from everything. What's the word? 不得好死. Yes. You won't even die peacefully. HA.

Sometimes i really wish that dying will actually cure everything. But the thought of rebirthing into maybe a really poor family, or the fact that i might be reborn as an animal for all the misdeeds i did, i chicken out. Hell, i do believe we'd still be on this earth, not all those stupid traditions, but really. They say life's not what you take but your willingness to give. I always wonder if there's a way I could rewrite the wrongs and plot out every single step to my life all over again. Is this regret I'm feeling? Shit, i don't know. That's how i found myself switching my phone to 'flight' mode so i could take a walk without anyone in my way trying to tell me it's going to rain or you'll be late for some crap or another.

Sometimes i just wish i could run. Forget every single crap in life and just run. Just keep running and perhaps never stop. Eminem's good to listen if you're running. I love the rain, i really do. And i love winter, winter in Boston's even better.

Months passed, and I'm still remembering.

Years might pass, and I still might be remembering. All the times I really wish I could forget and just move on. I never thought that 'waiting' was actually in my list of vocabulary. But i realised that it actually is. After the whole thing, i became used to waiting. I waited 6 hours for her to show up in the end. I watched till eleven at night at the airport. I waited patiently for her to come out. I waited patiently for you to return. But you know what? I'm sick and tired of being like this. Like what the lyrics say, "Can't eat, can't sleep, i'm sick". Fine. I might not be as pathetic as some others where they refuse to eat or sleep at all, but i'm not far better. Even my friends told me i've changed, and even if it's for the better, they can't stand it. Why? I don't talk anymore. I just listen as if someone took away my soul. I'm not sarcastic anymore. I'm not ME anymore. I thought that I'll always remain the same, no matter what happens, even if they sky's falling. But I changed, and I can't let go of the fact that I did. That you left.

I always wondered if time goes by, will you memories of a certain someone or a certain person really fade away. I mean, i've tried. It's been like, five years. Almost exactly five years, and yet I'm still holding on. Even if it's impossible. Fine. It doesn't hurt that much anymore. I don't cry for him anymore. But what does that mean? Something in my heart, this very little part of it, wants you to stay. And yet the other bit want you to return and be happy and stand on stage because you own it and because you belong there and because there's thousands of people waiting for you. But I'm selfish. Every single person under the sun's selfish. But if you asked me if I'd like to turn back time to undo everything, if it's even possible, i won't know what to say. Do i really want to?

What's the lyrics? "I can't bring myself to smile again, it's only you my baby it's only you."

I've lost everything I've every wanted in my life. Sometimes i wonder if i'm delusional. That I really need help. (......) Now that isn't what I say.

Kekeke.

999 Reasons...and counting

2009-11-20T02:49:00.000-08:00

Since Jae gave me 90 reasons, I've decided, since I am a Jay fan, a Hottest too, I should have more reasons, shouldn't I...?

So 999 reasons.

I must be outta my mind.

And oh, everything is thought up by MEEEEEE. So you better tell me before you steal them away. Yeah? The tag board's there ya know. You can also comment on this by just clicking comment. Is it THAT hard?

I should start.

LAST UPDATE : 2711O9 LAST COUNT : 166
201109 : daymn i have no life.
271109 : Never thought i'd get emo.

He's who he is and no one can ever change the fact in your heart.
He's the reason you work hard.
He's the reason you changed your life goals (which you've been working towards since you were for him.
West Coast slang never sounded better in your ears, and you're used to the East Coast Etiquette.
You love seeing him flail around on the floor.
Justin Timberlake brought sexyback even but he's always been sexy.
He made you believe in waiting when you're a very impatient person.
He made you believe in the ever-so-corny theory of destiny.
He's the song in your heart that can't be erased.
His voice is the soundtrack of your life.
He's the reason for the tears in the night.
He's the reason you're willing to give up on being a SOMEBODY for UW.
He ain't the first in your heart, and yet he might be the last.
He makes you wanna phantom ride just to be with him.
He made the Rain City sound so tempting even though he didn't do anything.
He almost made you forget about Boston. ALMOST.
He's the reason you've been emptying your stomach in the toilet ever-so-often these few weeks.
He's the reason for that lurch in your stomach.
He's the reason you fell in love with Jin.
He's the reason you picked up Eminem again.
He's the reason you've got "My Boo" on replay.
He's the reason you force Bae down your throat just because he was holding it with an umbrella in one of his pre-debut pictures.
He's the reason you'll hand on to even when the sky is falling.
He's the person you think of everytime it rains so hard that it seems as if there's a hole in the sky.
He's the reason why you scream "the sky is falling!" while laughing.
He's the reason why you laugh till you tear.
He made you fall in love with Jay Chou all over again just because of the name.
He made you test the waters and b-boy.
He made you addicted to hoodies.
He made you addicted to purchasing New Era caps, esp the NY ones.
He's the reason you fell in love with monkeys.
And rats.
Monkeys in a rat suit never looked better.
He's the reason you fell in love with Black Friday.
He's the (not so much) reason why you danced to "Yeah!" in the rain.
He makes you wanna tear of the ugly stack of things he call hair during the "Only You" and "Again & Again" times.
He can't lie.
He makes you dislike Jessica even more.
He can never sit still.
He used to flare his nostrils, and he still does.
You search the town up and down for the jeans he wore - and accidentally stumbled upon it while you're out with your mom.
He made your definition of tall change from taller than 179cm to taller than 170cm.
He's epic fail.
He makes you wanna smile when he shakes his head during songs.
He opened up a whole new world in music for you.
He's the Jaegu next door with tooth paste as snot on one side.
He's the idiot who doesn't know how many buildings there are on 63 building.
He makes you delusional.
He makes you want to fold 999 paper cranes for just one wish, and yet you hesitated to fold the 1000th one.
He makes you want to slap him in the face for whatever he did.
He makes you want to join the FBI for a second because he knows who he is.
He made you switch from New England to the West Coast.
He made you gradually accept pink.
He made you accept short guys.
He made air pumps in style, even though he's short.
He made the singlet and jeans combo hot, even though you hate it.
He has a huge '2PM' shaved onto his head even though you hate it.
He made you rethink about what you've taken for granted.
He made you eat at Pariss International (now named Family) just so you can see the place where they set foot on.
You bought a monkey piggy bank because it looked like him.
You wasted money and bought a monkey in a rat suit because the monkey's 'hair' reminded you of him.
You're convinced he's sleeping with a chimp called 'panzee baby'.
You're going crazy because you can't buy the album off the rack because you already have it, and he's on the cover.
He made you despise JYP, when you used to respect him so much.
He makes you rethink about everything you did to your family.
He's ~~Jay~~ Gay. And not happy-go-lucky gay.
He makes you write this ridiculous list of crap.
You can't bear to listen to "Again & Again" or "Only You" because his voice is so clearly heard in there.
You're adapting to korean culture.
You're adapting to Seattle slang.
Your soft spot for dancers and bboys widened because of him.
He makes you hungry for food.
He haunts you in your dreams, beckoning you to jump over the ledge.
He makes you watch and rewatch AOM's battles.
You hate KBS's Sunday Night because they stalked him.
You wrote to Yunni for the first time and it was about him.
Yunni bought the album and sent it over to Singapore from Hongkong for you.
You fell for a certain speedbump butt owning guy, but somehow you fell for him and forgot the previous.
He's the reason you wrote a four page(?) letter to Yunni.
He's the reason you changed.
He's the reason you stopped eating, and never felt hungry.
He's the reason you matured, according to Yunni.
He's the reason Yunni said "I had a feeling that Jay would mean more to you than key (or Bling)(xD) when you first started fangirling over him."
You're the biggest Jay fan Yunni and Jae knows.
He's the reason why you mourn and Jae wrote you 90 reason why you shouldn't quit.
He's the reason you're tempted to go back to America and live.
He's the reason you actually cried at night because you thought of how lonely he was on the plane ride to SeaTac.
He's the reason you never truly understood yourself.
He's the reason you seem calmer than you really are.
He's the reason why you were tempted to buy a ticket straight to Seattle when the news first broke out.
He's the reason you actually "PLANNED out her life because of this single step" (quote from the letter from Yunni.)
He's the reason why you grow, and learn.
He makes you wanna work hard.
He's the reason you wanted to quit. give up. abandon. just about everything you've every dream of.
He's the reason Yunni thinks that "Wow. She's gonna do it."
He's the reason why time just stopped at 01:59 for a few days for you.
He's the reason why you allowed time to slowly move on, to 3PM, to 4PM, to 5PM.
He's the reason you keep living because he's going to live his life as well.
He's the reason for everything you thought of about America, even though meeting him isn't the most important thing on your mind.
He's the reason you'll "咬着不放" when you finally set foot in the coffee capital of the world four years later.
He's the reason that you'll make up most of the minute when you actually see him.
He's the reason why you resist the urge to scream back at your mom.
He;s the reason you scratched your book case with your keys and wrote down the exact date and time.
He's the main character of most of your fics.
He's part of the reason why you received the total fail drawing done by the (...?) artist of the next generation Madison C.
He's the reason why you drew a monkey as the main character of your comic.
He's the reason you wrote "기다리다 지친다" on the back of your hand with permanent red marker.
He's the reason you're thinking of becoming a mom.
He's the reason you wanna slap Hyoyeon just because she likes him.
He's the reason why you want to attend church.
He's the reason why "기다리다 지친다"'s piano version sound so heart-wrenching.
He's the reason why you can't accept graphic requests with him inside.
He's the reason you start tearing at random spots.
He's the reason why you fell in love with that old japanese legend about cranes.
He's the reason you stop thinking abs are disgusting.
[2711o9]He's the reason you dismissed the rule of never crying and bawled your eyes out.
He's the reason for every tear drop you've cried.
He's the reason you started making paper cranes again.
He's the reason you'll sacrifise everything and wait for him.
He's the reason you'll die if it'll bring him back.
He's the reason you thought you'd like him till you have white hairs on your head.
He's the reason you like Cha Cha.
He's the reason it hurts so much.
He's the reason you tears came pouring out like the summer rain.
He's the reason you feel like you're going to die when you tried calling out for him.
He's the reason you don't know what to do without him.
He's the reason you feel that the world is unfair.
He's the reason your heart feels like it's being cut into half.
He's the reason that you crouch down by yourself.
He's the reason you started hating the world.
He's the reason you feel like you can't see the light again.
He's the reason you became delusional.
He's the reason that nothing's ever been the same since he's gone.
He's the reason that shaved buzzcuts seemed nice to you.
He's the reason you don't dare to close you eyes at night.
He's the reason you don't want to dream anymore.
He's the reason how pink looks nice to you all of a sudden.
He's the reason you downed the shikae and regretted for a slight minute that you did.
He's the reason you wonder if you'll get through another night.
He's the reason that you stupidly think that you'll never love again.
He's the reason you wish you'll stop longing for him.
He's the reason you have the voice stuck in your head asking over and over again and again.
He's the reason you have this pain in you that'll never subside.
He's the reason you want to pick yourself up and start fighting again.
He's the reason you cry yourself to sleep at times.
He's the reason you tend to close your eyes and dream how things used to be.
He's the reason you know your life will carry on.
He's the reason you made that video for Utada's Crying like a child.
He's the reason you continue to fight even if all your efforts go down the drain.
He's the reason you wrote Stavolta.
He's the reason you believe in the quote "只要有爱, 生死和时间都不是距离"
He's the reason you saw that loving someone means despite and because of his limiations.
He's the reason you feel that pinch in your throat when you see any reports relating to him.
He's the reason you wish that loving him is your duty and authority.
He's the reason you say angels doesn't have to have wings, but the most beautiful smile.
He's the reason you thought time will always stop at 01:59 at first.
He's the reason you started, and stopped dancing again.
He's the reason you wish to never ever watched Idol Army featuring SHINee so you could continue liking Key like an idiot and not care about him.
He's the reason you wrote a song called "Crash & Burn".
He's the reason why you're keeping track of everything.
He's the reason you say that "Phantom riders always die alone."
He's the reason for a thousand dark years like time has died.
He's the reason you feel fucking empty like you're lost your heart.
He's the reason you dislike it when people say you remind them of Gong Minji.
He's the state of movement.
He's the art of mind. [2711o9]
He's why you insist on living in the past.
He's the reason you're willing to wait four years.
He's that little guy who's almost the same height as you.
He's what the 61 cranes you've folded so far are for. [031209]

100 Reasons Why

2009-11-19T17:44:00.000-08:00

I didn't know Jae's so fast xD (DUDE. I like that name. -nod)
I didn't know she actually typed up 90 reasons why i shouldn't give up.
Thank you.
Oh man.
Really, thank you.
Smile.

HE'S COMING BACK.
You're stronger than this. (I don't know.)
2PM depends of him.
Like you said he's your weakness.
He's the only one who can heal your wounds.
He's the key to your lonely heart. (Empty. Not lonely. Empty)
Whenever he's with 2PM you don't feel alone.
He's part of your eternity.(...kekeke)
With him nothing is him nothing seems impossible for you.
He's the only medicine to every pain you have.(How bout a kiss for a sorethroat xD)
You're always gonna love him.
Heaven or Hell I'm sure you'll find him.
He's your only soldier.
You told him to stiffen up his upper lip.(And i told him we've got his back)
He's too strong to even give up now.
GOD has plans for you both.
You are his cheerleader ;)
He broke your heart and needs to fix it.(WTF IS HE)
We're not complete.
We are fighting with you. You give up & so do we.
There's a possibility he's already back. (Nah.)
You're love for him is stronger than any fan girl out there. (I see that as a fact)
I'll never be as strong as you. (If this was to happen to GD, I don't think I'll even have the energy to continue talking about him.)
He's your passion.
The ONE!
Love has no limits. No sky, No seas, No oceans and No fire should ever stop you from loving.
Believing in one person is a true gift.
Waiting for him is not tiring for you.
Forever exist with you and him.
You'll do anything in your power to protect him.
A fighter never quits. [And a quitter never fights]
No matter what the outcome is you'll still love him.
No one else can ever take his place.
NO ONE ELSE COMES CLOSE.
I know even in the next life, you'll still fall in love with him.
You're alive yet you can hardly breathe (Mushy as this may sound but he sure did take your breath away.)
Giving up not will not make you any stronger later on.
FIGHTING MAKES YOU STRONGER.
You'll never let anything get in the way of loving him.
BECAUSE HE MEANS EVERYTHING TO YOU. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY BECAUSE IT'S JAY!!! THERE'S NO ONE ELSE BUT JAY PARK. The dorky BBOY guy who captured your heart no matter what angle you look at it from...

Ha. I really have a soft spot for bboys. Hmmm? And i have a soft spot for people with names starting with the letter 'j' and 'k'. The irony. The irony. beyonce 'and i smell your cologne in the air'. HA. How i fell for the bboy and not the leader.

Here's the thing about time all over again.

Time heals.

And yet time makes the things that are already deep even deeper, and makes the things that are light lighter.

Or it might be the direct opposite.

Jae gave me 90 reasons. I think that's enough.

XD

Thank you.

Smiling Tears

2009-11-19T04:56:00.001-08:00

Is it just, possible to go back to the time, wake up to reality, and try to get my life back on the right track...?

I suddenly feel like, like, a phantom rider. I know this sounds totally ridiculous, but it's like, he's gone. And I'd be a phantom rider, meeting him on the other side.

Why? Because I can't bear everything. I'll be a phantom rider and drive against all the traffic on the highway.

And I'd meet you on the other side.

Don't cry baby.

Don't worry.

I'm here.

It Is

2009-11-13T04:40:00.000-08:00

It is when you eat and yet you don't taste anything.

It is when you sleep you're wide awake.

It is when you smile you're crying silently inside.

It is when you say yes you actually mean no.

It is flunking one of the most important exams in your life.

It is lying to everyone about what you're doing.

It is when your heart aches so much it'll never be numb.

It is telling everyone you're so numb that you can't feel anything.

It is claiming that you're already over the whole issue.

It is standing in the heavy rain without an umbrella.

It is thinking about how you've ruined your own life.

It is plastering a poker face when you want to die inside.

It is when you're happy, you're insanely mentally unstable.

It's sympathizing for others when you really want to die yourself.

It is knowing that he'll never glance a second in your direction.

It is knowing that he'll never know you.

It is knowing that he filled your entire heart.

It is knowing that you'll never be able to have his.

It is knowing that you're going crazy about him.

it is knowing that you've lost sleep because of him.

It is attempting to fold a hundred cranes and yet you stopped at the last one.

It is wishing for your wish to not come true.

It is how selfish you really are.

It is thinking that time heals everything.

It is watching your dreams crash and burn.

It is learning how to bleed.

It is knowing that you're not being realistic, and yet you refuse to see.

It is tearing down everything you once believed in.

It is watching all those fall.

It is trying to lick your wounds and yet the venom seeps in deeper and deeper.

It is trying to run away and yet the one sole promise holds you prisoner.

It is when you're about to break.

It is when you are tempted to give everything up.

It is withstanding all the heartache.

It is making the same old mistake.

It is pathetically trying to rewrite everything.

It is trying to turn back the hands of time when you know it'll never happen.

It is trying to protect him when the sky is falling.

It is promising something you'll turn back on later.

It is when you try grasping for air and yet you can't seem to inhale anything.

It is trying to shake away all the tears.

It is remembering to forget.

It is knowing that your heart only beats for this one person.

It is trying to shake away all sounds you hear.

It is pretending you're always in control of yourself.

It is knowing everything you do will be retributive.

It is sitting at the sidelines and cheering him, them on.

It is pretending everything's fine even when you're breaking down.

It is when you need him the most.

It is looking into the mirror and seeing a stranger look back at you.

It is losing your lunch when you saw the video.

It is not knowing how to put every emotion into words.

It is trying to forget when you know you can't.

It is not knowing what and who your heart beats for all night long.

It is wanting to see the smile back on his face.

It is promising yourself you'll be with him for a thousand years.

It is digging out your heart and signing it.

It is knowing that you aren't tired of waiting, and yet you claim the opposite.

It is your heart aching, mind racing, and your whole body shaking.

It is knowing he holds the single key and yet he doesn't know this.

It is trying to fool everyone.

It is feeling insecure.

It is knowing you'd give everything to see him.

It is knowing that you never will.

It is missing him more than ever today.

It is wishing for his happiness and forgetting about your own.

It is forgetting time when the clock struck.

It is thinking about him in your mind.

It is knowing that live on earth had been threatened extincting for more than five times.

It is the light in the darkness what shone the road for you disappearing.

It is the thousand jpeg, png and gif files filing up your hard drive.

It is losing your breath and tears when you see everything.

It is when life is holding you down like a homie.

It is knowing everything always relates back to September.

It is September 4th, 8th, 14th, 19th, 22nd.

It is knowing the clock will always strike one day and time will end.

It is knowing that all the 'it is' will become 'it was'.

And i'm traumatized because everyone dislikes black friday while i like it.

0913pm 131109
BOBOISM

September 22

2009-11-11T18:23:00.001-08:00

And yes, i'd go "Sunday 25 after nine"

Except it isn't September 22. It's September fourth. And it's not after nine, it's after five. Or six. I didn't really bother to count. And oh, I'm trying to find reasons for giving up. So far...i've came up with none cuz i never really thought of it. But I've thought alot about how (perhaps) my life could change if i just died and live again.

But will i like the consequences? I don't know. I really don't.

But Jae (I LIKE THAT NAME. HUH HUH HUH!!?) gave me...a hundred reasons on why i shouldn't quit. Even thought many aren't really...real, but THANK YOU. For being there. MEOW. Hey, i like sausages. As long as you don't remind me that the outer covering are intestines. (......)

It's Jay Park. (Yes it is.)
You love him.
He's everything to you.
You haven't met him. (Fine. You got me.)
He's coming back.
All the fighting you did will be in vain.
You're amazing fighting with him.
You believe in him.
He's half the reason why you breathe.
He's a reason why you believe.
He's an inspiration.
HE'S THE ONLY LEADER!
He's your only one.
You care for him.
He's your strength. (And my weakness)
Your loyal to him.
You're ready to fight any battles with him.
He's the reason for your smiles.
He's the reason for your heartbreaks.
He's the reason why you dream.
You miss seeing him smile.
I believe in him and in you.
You trust him.
You want him to be happy and as far as I am concern he is happy to be with 2PM.
He needs all the support he can get.
You're one of the reason why he's fighting.
He's thankful for all the support of the HOTTEST and you're one of them.
We need him; so we can't stop believing.
He misses 2PM and so do you.
He's your whole heart.
You fell in love with the typical him. (I fell in love with Jay Park, a bboy. Remember when i said this, Niii? xD)
You need him as much as I need G-DRAGON.
You pray for him.
You long for him.
He plays a part in your life.
You cry for him.
You laughed for him.
You look up to him.
You need to be with him. (As long as he's happy, i'd be on the sidelines playing the cheerleader)
He's part of who and what you are today.
He's a missing puzzle piece.
Your happiness and health rely on him.
He gave you happiness.
He made you smile.
He gave you a good laugh.
You love seeing him perform.
You love seeing him being the old pink man from 2PM. (He ain't old. He's just...~~mature~~ Fine he's old.)
You love the way he twitches whenever he tries to hit a high note.
His feelings matter to you.
His sadness affects you.

I actually typed up comments beside every thing. But i erased them.

What was it that i said again?

Smile, for what you had, and not what you've lost?

Shit. I feel like puking -.- This is a way to lose weight, ain't it.

HA

10.45A.M. 1211O9
BOBOISM

why

2009-11-11T03:40:00.000-08:00

WHY ARE YOU MOCKING ME. WHY IS EVERYONE MOCKING ME.
WHAT THE FUCK.

I thought i was fine. Hell, i happily came online after my dad came home and was about to tweet about watching Dream Team on tv when i clicked on the link on 2PM's official website. Hey, it's my fucking homepage.

That was when i started feeling sick in the stomach. Hell, it's not all the kimchi ramyun. FUCK. FUCK. I didnt even know what it is before i ran to the toilet and started heaving like shit.

WHY ARE YOU MOCKING ME.

WHY IS EVERYONE AGAINST ME.

WHAT THE HELL.

Was like, the tv trying to tell me something the whole day? I turned on MTV just to see the ending pose of Again & Again where Jay stood in the middle. And i (somehow) started watching SangSangPlus, and the words 2PM and Taecyeon just fking popped up.

And im like.

What.

And now.

OH SHIT.

I feel like puking again.

You know the feeling of puking and you want to fking stop, but you can't and ur stomach just continues to heave and heave and you have all those shit stuck in your throat and it just don't come out?

Hell, times it with a thousand.

It's not that its disgusting, it's the feeling that leaves you with after the whole thing.

I teared, again.

Since i didn't cry, i started asking myself why.

And guess what.

I have no fucking answer.

Maze

2009-11-09T03:39:00.001-08:00

This was supposed to be posted like, a week ago.

Maze

Three blind mice as we're lost in the maze route,
lookin' for the easiest possible way out.

Like what my friend had told me before she left, or what i told her, "We're like the mice in that stupid game we once played as little kiddos. We're blind, and we're lost in this world." And yet, many of us chose to cheat in that game to we could catch the people faster. That, is looking for the easiest way out, despite the fact that everyone knows the fact that we're cheating.

Day in and day out, you run into a closed road.
Turning into old folk, chasing after rose gold.

And what'll happen once we turn old? Huh? It's like, won't you feel...embarrassed when you look back to it and think "Oh shit. I've been cheating everyone for my whole entire life."

What they don't know is that it belongs to a fool.
Choosing wants over needs, singing songs of a mule.
Carrying their burdens when you barely know the person,
and that is the difference between a pharaoh and a servant.

Like what the saying goes "We only want what we can't have, and we only need what we don't want."...Oh wait, i just quoted from one of tatu's songs. Title? I can't remember. i can't even find the freaking CD anymore. I tend to listen to people's problems, and seldom is there people who listen to mine without relating it back to theirs. Example of a person who listens to meh? um...Nii. Yeah. Looking at everything, she's ONE OF the only ones who didn't hesitate to give me advice in times of need. Like what's quoted, that's the difference between a pharoah and a servant. Someone please tell me why i suddenly remembered the curse i wrote for English class back in grade four. "I curse that you'll be haunted forever by the pharoah" or something. THAT WAS SO STUPID -.- But that was like, the best of of the class...? I remember seeing things like "curse that you'll die." PUHLEASE.

I choose to serve no man but serve mankind,
at the same time avoiding all of Earth's landmines.
You step in it and you blow up,
you exit or you grow up, or get locked up.

Sometimes you don't know what you're doing at this...point of time, and you do stupid things. And only after you did it, you look back and regret on whatever shit you did. And my question is, why didn't you think of the consequences before hand? This is a question i want to ask everyone, and myself. I regret shitloads of things i've done.

The pigs catch ya eating donuts.
But I'd rather rhyme bars than sit behind bars.
How can a prison cell contain this shining bright star.
They have no idea what I could do in a minute's time.

You lazy around. I was watching this...thing on CCTV4 today, and the person basically broke down the number of years you have. If you life till 75 years old, you spend 20 years studying, working, others, and in the end, you're left with 2 years to do whatever you're supposed to. Is this how life's supposed to be? I was there, sitting and eating Nong Shim ramyum while it was on tv, and i started tearing. I feel fking guilty, aye? I've waste 14 years of my life already.

Break down the walls of the maze and run through the finish line.

I quote from something Cin wrote to me so many years ago. "Everyones wearing masks." You'll never know wtf is hidden behind them.

Life is like a maze Life is like a maze
Life is like a maze
when I'm flippin' through the pages
Life is like a maze Life is like a maze
life, I'm just amazed
when I'm flippin' through the pages.
Life is like a maze Life is like a maze
life is just amazin'
when I'm flippin' through the pages.
Life is like a maze Life is like a maze
life is just amazin'
when I'm flippin' through the pages

It's high definition black and white.
Is it digital, analog, wack or tight?
It's stressful wishing sacrifice, and the list goes on.
It's the facts of life.

Racism, I remember writing this in my journal, and guess who the main character is. HA. It's the facts of life which no one can escape from. LADIDADA. ><

East coast etiquette, west coast slang.
Peace we'll never get if shit don't change.

This line is what got me into the song. East Coast etiquette, New England. People always calim that we speak more...formal than normal americans. Though i don't get how 'normal' must a person speaking english be to be an american american ><><>

Do you play with the majors or go independent?
Gotta stay paid but I'm broke like a peasant.

"What can I do, tell me what can i say."

I was going to finish the whole song, but i realised i couldn't even bring myself to like, write anythign anymore.
Stavolta.
Stavolta.
Elstavolta.

My friends thought i was crazy for chanting these.
OH WELL.

11.56PM. 1511O9
BOBOISM

One Wish

2009-11-08T00:00:00.001-08:00

One Wish

Damn baby
Just don't understand where we went wrong
I gave you my heart
I gave you my soul
I gave you...

Like what Taec said during A&A, 젠 장. Damn it. Why the hell am i like this? Why the hell am i even writing this...erm...erm...thing? Hell, i'm not even writing this to JAY! I'm writing this to this one person whom i, well, regret doing whatever i did to him. And yes, i don't understand where we wewnt wrong honey.

As a matter of fact I was the one who said I love you first
It was about eight years ago, don't act like you don't know
We were sittin' at home in your mama's livin' room
Cause, we couldn't be alone

Hell, i never said i love you. And yet i've said "I hate you" a tad too many times. I hope you didn't take them to heart, because i really didn't mean what i had said. I met you like...ten years ago? You were my neighbour when i first reached Boston. And my mom invited you and your family on all those stupid picnics and such which i can't even remember. The only thing i remembered was the pumpkin. That stupid white pumpkin that caused us to fight.

See your mama knew I was something else, she knew how I felt
Back then we were in school; and that's your favourite excuse
Growin' up I was a fool; and I can't lie I'm missing you
Listen and don't trip
I think I need a bottle with a genie in it
Here's my wish list

I don't really know what i'm saying right now. Do i miss you? Shit, of course i fucking miss you. And yet you disappeared a few months back, saying you're going to Seoul and will contact me asap. I never even got a single EMAIL from you, let alone the promise of you saying you're going to call me. I grew up with you, and i basically passed the stages from childhood to teenage years with you. I left Boston way before you and went back to Beijing to study. Hell my chinese sucked then, and yet you tried pronouncing everything i told you on the phone. You told me you started to bboy, and i grew interest in it only because you were the one who told me about it. I'm missing you like shit, no matter how much i tell me self 'i'm not missing him. it felt good to see him leave.' hell it's so untrue. To hell with SNSD's genie. It doesn't portray anything i'm feeling at the moment. I have not just one wish, but hell, a few.

First one, I would create a heart changing love
Second one, I'll take yours and fill it all the way up
Third one, but I don't need a lot of wishes cause I'll be okay if I get one

First i'd wish for my dad to return back to Boston. Since some stupid company bought up Nortel and therefore he can still work there, right? right? And then i'd wish that time could be turned back to i could start everything with a fresh mind, instead of regretting so many years later. And then i'd wish for everyone i care about to be happy. That's all.

If I had one wish, we would be best friends
Love would never end, it would just begin
If I had one wish, you would be my boo
Promise to love you, trust me I'll trust you

I never really thought that i'd miss you so much. But you're one of my best friends, one of the first guys i've ever known in my whole entire life. I'd want everything to be straightened out, i'd want my life the way i dreamt of. And i'd wish for all those i love to not leave me. I know, i am selfish. I really am.

Now tell me is this the only way I can get you right back in
If so then searchin' I'll go, then I can have you for sho
Then you'll be loving me, holding me, kissing me
So girl don't tell me what I'm feeling is make believe
I swear if I lose a second chance with you
I wouldn't know what to do
I'd probably check myself into some kind of clinic
I couldn't be alone because without you I'm sick
Here's my wish list

I should check myself into a mental institute, because the way my life is right now, i might really hurt someone. Like that fucking retarded git of a girl i read in that book. She has no backbone. She thinks that this thirty year old guy who honked at her liked her and she waited there every day after school for him. Like what that weird guy/bully persona says in the book; "Blow me."

I don't even know how we ended upon this road
And, even though we are grown, ~~Girl~~ I just want you to know

I really, really don't know how we ended up on this road. This is too confusing for me to take right now. I've always believed that every single thing that happened has happened for a reason. But now i even question myself. "Why did you leave?" Was there a reason? You told me you wanted to see Korea since that's where your roots lay. And i agreed. but i never thought that you'd go alone, and i never thought that you'd stop contacting me. "Why did Jay leave?" Because no one had forseen the fact of what he wrote so many years ago? Hell, if i still have this blog four years later, i'd look back and ask myself why did i write so much impulsive stuff which i don't really even mean. It'll hurt to know that, but at least i could see it and regret. HA

And we'd make it right this time.

And oh, i chose this song because ~~Jay Mackintosh~~ Jaewon Kang had danced to it.

03:59P. O811O9
BOBOISM
Keep fresh & ballin'
peace & love
OUT

Scoldings

2009-11-06T04:00:00.000-08:00

Scoldings

Shaving is a must
Shirts without wrinkles, and coffee only once a day
Cut down on smoking and avoid food that is spicy and salty
You have to practice being on your own

Hell, i don't even know if you NEED shaving. You shouldn't wear shirts with wrinkles. It just...dehances your buffiness. Like what she said, you roll your shirts so they won't get wrinkled. And oh, coffee causes wrinkles. No matter how much you hate your baby face, don't go too hard on yourself. There're thousands of fans out there who ADORE your face. AYE!? And oh, if you ever smoke, i'll drag you to see those dirty, black, smokey lungs -.- It's gross. Really. Especially it causes a slow death. And oh, don't eat so much dokbokgi! If you want to eat, ~~force JYP~~ come to Changi airport and eat it! DUDE! I CAN GET YOU A DISCOUNT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAH -slap- oops.

Don't drink because ~~I'm~~ they're not there
I'm saying to take better care of yourself

You drink and i slap. Serious.

Don't wait it out like an idiot
Please say something, anything

Say something to us. To me. Hell, the world's going crazy without you. Now, where are you? You're the main in this film of life, and yet it never comes out. Just like how Juicy was reduced to a shadow in her own film. Ha.

Don't be ill because I'm not there
I'm saying to make sure you eat
Even if it's bothersome, I'm asking you…

Everyone hurts even more despite the fact that you're the one who's sick. Like what that gibberish english sounds like in Bad Girl, I'm heart sick, heal me. Be crazy, gotta let you go. Sad love song, my love's gone...i should stop. Hell, why am i quoting BEAST right now? Right. Soju makes you do crazy stuff even if you purely SMELT it just for fun. You have to eat. I'll be the one who doesn't eat so you'll eat. ~~By force, ya know? Even if you puke everything out, i'll force down some more.~~ That's too harsh and too not meh. -.- I know this is really bothersome.

Don't go to Apkujung (a town) often
I'm envious you might meet a pretty girl
Nice ladies, half of them are wicked
Don't look at other girls, I’m watching you

Like how i freaked out four days after you left. What if he really thinks his life is over? What if he decides his life is already ruined and he decides to ruin himself even more? What if he goes to bed every night with a freaking chimp? And moreover, named it Panzee baby? SHIT! What if he decides he's going to have sex with random bitches every other night? What if he has a sex tape? What if...!!! WHAT IF!!! AISH!!!!! SOMEONE SLAP MEH! ... I'm not watching. ~~See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil~~.

I'm worried about, being left behind..

It's not only me. Please, i'm begging you, and hell, i'll never beg anyone. Wait, i already am ain't I?

Up to now, only having nagged you
Unable to see your face, only saying other things
Remember me only when I wasn't enough
And you need to practice forgetting me

I can't do anything when we're half a world away. I could only sit and wait until the news reach my ears. And then i'll probably puke out every single thing i've eaten over the day and just...well, distressed am i? It's not you who needs to practice forgetting me; it's me who needs to practice how the fuck should i forget you. And guess what, i might not even be planning to. HA.

I'm saying it again
I'm saying don't get ill and make sure you eat
Even if it's bothersome, I'm asking you…
Nagging you, I leave
I'm sorry…

Someone tell me where the tears are coming from. Someone tell me where this...guilt is coming from. I'm selfish. Frick i'm so selfish. I'm sorry. I really am.

Kudos for the lyrics @ AHEEYAH.com
And oh, Anna's lovelovelovestory Total Eclipse of The Heart
08.17P.M O611O9
BOBOISM
Keep fresh & ballin'
Peace & Love
OUT

This Love

2009-11-05T04:54:00.000-08:00

This Love

This love this love.
Yeah.

For no reason today seems sadder than other days
I miss you
Now I can't say those words any more
I can't even be at your side to watch over you; this must be the end

Even the sky seems to be agreeing with me. The heavy downpour is purely trying to reflect my feeling on your absence. I miss you, i never thought i'd actually admit this out loud in a million years, but i fucking miss you. I can't even fly over to wherever you are this instant and just watch over you. From the sidelines maybe, you won't notice me even if i was standing directly in front of you, but i don't care.

No matter how I look at it I was stupid
I inflated false expectations and misunderstood

Sometimes i feel really foolish, dreaming that maybe something could happen. I don't know what i mean by that 'something', but i just thought that..that there'll always be gain after pain, right? You suffer for whatever it takes because you believe that there'll be something good that comes out of it. But, think of it this way, how long must you wait before you finally get what you deserve?

I don't know why but it makes me like you more and more
My friends say I'm a fool

I don't know. I really don't. I've always said that the HE in my life has to be tall. Has to be accomplished. Has to, be a man. You're like, short, white, basically you're cute. Hell, my friend asked me why the hell am i putting up with a guy like this when all he thinks about is yadong, jiji, jeokbokji and t-panty. I don't know. And i never really asked myself why. Perhaps it's time to be considering these.

I don't care, it doesn't matter to me
If this is the only way I can see you it's enough for me

I don't care even if the whole world doesn't believe in me. Hell, fuck them. They can go dunk their head into the toilet for all i care. Yes, so that's how i claim. But really, me, being me, is a selfish git, and the only way for me to see you is work hard and get out of this hell hole. But how? My motivation's gone with the wind, back to the place i might never set foot on in my whole entire life. But i'm a stubborn foolish git.

This love I'm never falling in love again
When I see my haggard face I wonder why I'm so stupid

This love, without you i don't know where the hell my heart will lead me. When i look in the mirror i kept asking myself why the hell am i torturing myself. I don't know. I wonder why i can't just move on like how i dreamt of.

This love Hey you, already gone and disappeared
Never returning: fly far, far away to behind the clouds

This love, hey, where the hell did you fly to. I know the guilt in your heart. I feel the hurt you're feeling. The rain clouds are blocking the sun. I don't know what to say, or see. Like what rain said, the ways to void the sun. How, is the question. I used to hate the sun, hell, i still hate it now. But if seeing you means clear cloudless blue skies, i'd let myself burn just to see you again. Clear the clouds.

My story has no real heart or meaning; this is like one minus two
~~September nineteenth~~ april twenty five I'm left alone on your birthday
Alone I'm a fallin' love shady

One minus two. Seven minus one. You have a heart, but you minus half away, and you're left with? Nothing. A rotting piece of muscle is what you have left. I wasn't there for your twenty-second birthday. And yet i won't be there for your twenty third, twenty forth, twenty fifth...maybe i won't even be the one with you for your eighty seventh birthday. Maybe i won't even remember a guy like you then, but right now? Alone i'll fall in and out of love. The real slim shady can't even beat this.

Do you remember? When I passed the night outside your house
I grew nervous as I waited for you
While holding a dozen roses I was already excited
But contrary to my expectations you didn't come out; the rain fell

I never had the opportunity to give you flowers outside your house. If i did, i probably won't know where to stuff my hands. Hell, i'd go like 'shit. stuff it.' and walk away, and turn back three days later after the whole things done, and regret. Rain. it's ways the rain. is that why Seattle's known as the rain city? Shit man. Shit.

It was only then I decided to let go
Inside your heart there must be someone else; comfort me
I'm sorry; I didn't even know that and put you on the spot (yes)
Now I'm alone again (one love)

I don't know when i'll decide to let go. Even if you freaking shout at me in front of my face, telling me nothing will ever happen, i don't know if i'm able to let go. Whoever it is that's in your heart, i'm jealous. I never actually thought that there'll be a place, just a tiny bit, left for me in your heart, but hey, a girl can dream can't she?

What am I supposed to do? Loving you
Feels like a crime; my heart is so tired right now

Ottoke? I keep asking myself this. What am i supposed to do without you here? I need to see your smile. I need to hear your ever-so=dorky sluggish korean. It feels like to crime to still love you so much when everyone else is just...sad. Hey, look, even the sky's crying with us because of your departure. My heart hurts, physically and mentally, i myself and the rest of the world are hurting too.

I want to find you~~r guy~~ and talk to ~~him~~ you – we can't do this
Now I'm crazy, without you for me

I want to fly over, yes i'm aware that i've repeated this so many times. I want to talk to you. Hear you out. I want you to open your heart. Like what Yunni said, who know's what'll happen in that one minute? One minute we could be total strangers, the next we can be best of friends. We'll never know what happens in the future. I don't even want to think of the present right now, let alone the future. Especially when the future looks to blank and empty because a certain someone isn't there to fill up the spaces. I think i'm going crazy. I really am.

This love now forgotten, buried in time
Erasing all traces from memory, why my heart hurts like this

If so, why does my heart still hurt? I mean, if i chose to forget, which i can't bear to, i'd never feel so hurt, will i? I don't believe the theory. No matte rhow much a person chooses to forget something, there'll always be something lingering in the depth of your mind, reminding you ever-so-constantly that you're missing him, no matter how much you said you're not. In denial. Erase everything, and yet everything's still there. The pure irony of life, isn't it? I don't know when this love will be forgotten, and when this love will be buried under all the happenings in time.

This love so tender, too young to love
All those memories: fly far, far away to behind the clouds

When was the last time i liked something like this? I don't know, and i don't really care No matter how much i tried searching my mind for instances like this, i can't seem to be able to find it. Too young to love. Too young to live. Too young to die. Who knows what'll happen? I can't even say i love you. The only thing i know is that i like you. I really, really do. I don't know when's the last time i liked someone so much, but i know it won't fade away that easily.

Hey J, look at me
After you left, it ain't the same
I'm not what I used to be
It hurts so much, you know
I need you
Always, all time… this love

Hey J, look around you, open your eyes, your ears. After you left, my life just ain't what it's used to be. I lost myself trying to find you. I'm not who i used to be. It hurts, it freaking hurts. And hell, i'd rather be the only person hurting in this whole entire world. I don't care if everything was laddened onto my shoulders. But i'm not the only one. half of the world's hurting with me. I need you, she needs you, we need you, they need you.

Always and forever through time.
This love for you will never fade.

I'd probably do this again.
And again.
And again.

G-Dragon's This Love, translation from aheeyah.

Side note, thank you Jae for the OneShot! Confessions of a broken heart.

09.41P.M. O511O9
BOBOISM
Keep fresh & ballin'
Payce & love
Out.

Getting Tired of waiting

2009-11-01T23:08:00.001-08:00

No. I'm not just getting tired, but fucking sick of waiting. Everything has to stop now before my life stops. I wonder if the timer and heart stops on their official website, my heart will stop as well. I wonder if i would jump off the building after it stops.

Hell, it sounds kinda tempting, doesn't it? HA. I wonder why?

Ki da ri da ji chin da. If i'm not wrong, since my korean sucks shit. Getting tired of waiting, is what it means? Or waiting, tired. Shit. Oh Shit.

I thought i'd never puke because of this whole ordeal again. It ain't healthy, yeah? But hey, i have a freakign headache. I have a freaking upset stomach. Nii should know how i ate butter with bread this morning. I ate six. SIX WHOLE THING. And everything came out like...WOOOOSSSHHH.

Fine. It's more like ARGGGHHHHHHADDOPIAUEDOPADO. Fine. I typed it randomly. Fuck i dont even feel like being sarcastic. I suddenly realise how everyone's vulnerable, yes?

I fucking died.

Shit.

Friday the 13th? It's actually my favourite day. Oh wow. one of the songs?

You'll get tired while waiting,
Do you know how I feel?
You'll get tired waiting,
Do you still remember me?

Shit. I'm not even thinking about the whole blah Jay blah myspace blah korean blah fucking netizens blah seatac blah edmonds blah KOMO news blah leadja blah. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

MBLAQ? Hey, J BLAH! cOOLIE!!!!! WOOTS!!

Shit.

There's a difference between tearign anc crying. I was tearing before, and now i'm crying.

Hey, HIP HIP HURAYYY!!!

FUCK. This is affectign my life way too much.

To tell you the truth, i never thought the countdown was for jays return. I mean, DUDE. we're in reality now. but i thought that maybe, i don't know. Official statement? Scratch that. I didn't think that way. I just thought something will happen. Something.

No. Im not angry.

Im seriously not angry at JYP.

Im just.

Well, ironically, getting ~~tired~~ sick of waiting.

Cleaning out my closet

2009-10-31T23:45:00.000-07:00

I've got some skeletons in my closet, and i don't know if no one knows.

Yes. Time for change, time for confession. Whatever. I think it's time that i actually come clean with alot of the things i've said or did in the past. And perhaps even the future? Ha.

First thing? Boston. I remember all those small, tiny snippets of my time in Boston. Like China town, where i wanted to eat McDonalds so badly and yet my dad brought me to eat some typical chinese food instead. Maybe that's one of the reasons i don't eat much of the maccy Ds which make you fat now?

And then my parents. Their relationship had been on the rocks even before my sister was born, so basically it's like, four years ago. And now you're complaining to me about how your parents are going to divorce because of YOU? Hell, i've been living under that pressure for over four years, and did i say anything? I only talked about it once, and yet you cut me in the middle and started talking about your holiday. I learnt to never bring it up again. And you messaged me yesterday about it. I wanted to laugh, but if i did, i'd feel fucking pissed and guilty. But i didn't reply you. Why? I have to say this, but you have to think of others. You have to put yourself down. No matter how fucking selfish you are, think of others. They're divorcing because of you? Let me tell you something, this is a result of your fucking selfishness. What do you expect me to say? "Oh, your parents are divorcing because of you. Yay!" No! I won't say that! I've been living for the fear that they'll divorce for four fuckign years, and i don't think it makes any more difference. What will happen will always happen. It's not like you could just do something, wear like some time travellign pants or somethign and turn everything back too normal.

Fuck it's impossible.

Dance? I said it was because of my knee wasn't it? That wasn't the full reason. Yes, something in my left knee tore, but the doctor said if i practiced all those healing shit properly, i still can dance. And yet what did i choose to do? I chose to give up on something that was forced in the first place, just because i didn't want to do it anymore. If i didn't decide on this, i might be able to dance even better. but i've never put in effort, and i've wasted my parents money.

I need to think.

I seriously need to breath fresh air, and i need to think.

Piano? Hell. I started only because my mom saw others doing it and practically forcedfed me. Yeah? I never liked it, but i kept doing it. Why? I wanted my mom to be happy. But in the end i still stopped. I said the reason was because of my exams. But hell, if i persevered, why couldn't i continue? I have no motivation, that's why.

To tell the truth, sometimes i feel like i shouldn't be alive. Sometimes i feel that i was born, lead into the world so there'll be more ruckus. Sometimes i feel that i couldn't deserve to live. I'm a disappointment. I know it.

And yet what can i do about it? I tried believing in myself, and yet every single person don't think i could do it. When i score well, they think it's just luck. Yeah. i didn't study my ass of to get the mark. I fucking got LUCKY and scored well. HA.

Sometimes, no matte rhow much i study, i just can't get it. And they think that THAT IS THE REAL ME. Guess what, i don't even know the real me, so how the fuck can you think that you know me so well? You fuckign never bothered to ask how i felt then. You were so full of yourself. You told me youo had time, free till blah blah, and i told you let's go out. What did you say? "I don't wanna go cuz blah blah blah" and you started talking about how you went there yesterday and you were playing some fuckign thing for a fuckign guy of some sort. I'm not in the fuckign mood to listen to you blab about this guy you just "Don't like". So if you don't like him, beat it. WHy the hell are you trying to humor me with you like, stupid day. I don't care! Just like how you never cared about what i said!

HA.

all this commotion. Emotions run deep as ocean's explodin.' Tempers flaring from parents, just blow 'em off and keep goin.'
Not takin' nothin' from no one, give 'em hell long as I'm breathin.' Keep kickin' ass in the mornin,' an' takin' names in the evening.

Yes. Fuck. I'm a fan of eminem. So what? I'm a fan of usher, of Jin, of Tokio Hotel. So? Just because you want to show people that you have such a 'unique' taste, you take what's rightfully mine and show the world how much you love them. hell, if i tell you to name what that lyrics i quote was from, i bet you can't tell without googling it. Hey, i asked you what song you liked by him, and what did you say? "Oh! I've been liking him for SOOOO long! He's like, the bomb! I like we made you the best!" And i can't even be bothered to roll my eyes at you. hell, yeah. You liek we made you? Well, what about all those rap ballads he had? What does he write about the most? "Umm...mariah carey?" I felt the urge to slap you. Fine. Next question. "Who the fuck is Jin." I asked. "...i don't know." And so i introduced you to him. The next day, i overheard you telling your clique how much you liked jin and how you admired him and blah blah blah. Hey, look into your conscience, i fucking said everything not even 24 hours before and here you are, poseur, trying to be someone you're not. What the hell do you even know about Usher? Huh? My Boo? or wait, i could blast the song Yeah! into your ears and you'll go "I heard this somewhere before!" and when i told you it was by Usher, you went "Oh Yeah. I remember now." Please. Even if i stuffed the lyrics under your nose, you probably couldn't even know the tune.

Hell. Tokio hotel? You freaking thought they were from tokio! You thought they were some gayish dance troop! Fine. I admit they're gay, but hell, you don't go around saying how much you love Bill's nose when you don't even know what language they sing in! When i told you i loved the song "Don't Jump", you went like "Oh really?" The next day i hear you humming to it and telling everyone how you like germanese songs, and how you've been learning the language forever. And then you quote from Spring Nicht. And when i asked you what that sentence meant, you said it was hard to translate directly to english. Word of advice, the song Don't Jump is the english version of Spring Nicht.

I'm angry. yes.

And boy i might be crazy as well.

I basically screamed into my pillow about every fucking thing, about how you should not think of yourself for once, and just fucking bear with it. And than i grabbed a tub of canola butter and a knife, and i basically dug out chunks of them and stuffed them in my mouth. Hell, i didn't swallow anything. I was going crazy. And then i ran to the toilet and spat every single thing out. And then i was puking. I wasn't puking. I was coughing lke shit. Fuck, i could even feel the matellic taste of bloog in my mouth.

And i looked into the mirror and asked myself why the hell am i doing this to myself.

You think a sorry is enough? If a sorry is enough to cover every single thing you've said and done, i won't be in a state like this. You won't be in a state like this. jay won't be in a state like this.

I got some skeletons in my closet and I don't know if no one knows it. So before they thrown me inside my coffin and close it,
I'ma expose it.

I guess i love my life.

HA.

Joke of the century.

BOBOISM
02.18PM. O111O9
Keep fresh & ballin
Payce & Out.
Yeah.

HA

Thank You

2009-10-25T22:52:00.000-07:00

Kudos to Chazzie Unnie & Nana Unnie for the layout!
Chazzie for the coding & lay, while nana made the icons.

And oh, i used this icon cuz jay is just a freaking dork.

oh well.

I have nothing else to say.

I have no Life

2009-10-22T01:40:00.000-07:00

I'm tempted to tattoo this across my forehead, but then i realised that no one will ever be able to see it because of my oh-so-annoying fringe.

I have no life.

I seriously don't.

I stayed home and watched ~~DisneyChannel~~ Discovery Travel and Living for like, five effing days. -.- And i saw Khun's commercial even MORE effing times. It sucks to know there's always things you're unable to get, aye?

And oh, i'm tempted to sue KBS.

Why?

FUCK JAY HAS HIS OWN FUCKING LIFE NOW GET OVER IT IF HE DOESN'T WAANNA FUCKING GO BACK RIGHT NOW THEN FUCK IT YOU DON'T HAVE TO FUCKING RUN ALL THE WAY TO SEATTLE AND FUCKING INVADE HIS FUCKING PRIVACY AND I DON'T FUCK CARE HOW JAY REACTS TO THIS WHOLE THING BECAUSE YOU JUST FUCKING WANT MORE VIEWERS FOR YOU OWN FUCKIGN CHANNEL SO YOU CAN BEAT OUT THE FUCKING REST OF KOREA TV STATIONS.

I fucking sat on an ant hill in school.

I have no life.

5.00PM
221oo9
BOBOISM

Confessions Part IIII

2009-10-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

I thought everything was fine.

I fucking thought that every fucking thing was fucking fine until today.

I mean, i knew Jay leaving is all like, driving me crazy, but really. I never thought it would come to this extend. The extend that Seattle's local news will report on it and even show his house. I mean, fine, tell the fucking news to report it! But why show his house? They aren't respecting other's privacy!

I mean, i watched the video. Yes, im happy they reported on him, he's world famous now.

But hey, put yourself in his shoes! I mean, have you ever thought that maybe he has his own life, and he wants to rest? Shooting at the window? Fuck you camera man. I'll come down to Edmonds and personally haunt you down myself. Massachusetts has the harshest and tightest law on owning guns in the states, but i fucking don't care if it applies to Washington as well. ~~Because Seattle is a DC~~. This is someone else's privacy! I mean, fine, you interview fans, you interview neighbors, but you can't just fucking go to his doorstep and try and peep into a window! Fuck. If it was the bathroom i'll fucking call the police and report on the peeping tom! Or dick! Or fuck harry! Hell. This has gone way over board. I'm fucking sad you know? Like, oh my fucking gawd!

I feel like a crazy woman talking like this, but who the fuck cares? I mean, ITS A PERSONS OWN PRIVACY DAMMIT!

So you reported on your website? Fine! Thousands, perhaps even millions are writing about Jay on their blogs, twitters, websites etcetcetc, but no one would bring a fucking camera to their doorstep!

OH FUCK MAN FUCK.

Fine if you wanna report. having their music video isn't enough? Fine. Go interview their neighbor! Ain't nuff yet? Than go interview fans. We are not Die Hard fans. We are merely fans who care about Jay and will NOT interrupt his privacy! You just had to shove everything up your ass don't cha?

Why don't you just do a birds eye view of his neighbor hood or something?

Why didn't you do something like, GO FUCKING STUFF UR HEAD IN THE TOILET!?!?!

...

Fine. I totally didn't mean that. It just popped out.

I gotta give you part four of my confessions...

I don't know how long this will continue, but i know i'm not resting until i set foot onto SeaTac and get a shake at starbucks.

I hope it won't take long, aye?

Love
BOBOISM
11.42AM . O31OO9

What I Gotta Do

2009-09-21T02:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone thinks my life is back to normal, don't you?

Like how i laugh right on cue, speak on cue, smile on cue, talk on cue.

Have you realised how everything i do is on cue now?

If someone needs help, i'm there. And even if they stared at me life i've just sprouted horns all of a sudden, i didn't care. Yes. That is what everyone's freaked out about me at school.

My friend grabbed me by the arm when i didnt eat but merely watched them eat.

"Are you running a fever?"

And i shook my head.

I'm not running a fever. Really. I'm not. And i told her this. Second question.

"Did you break up with your boyfriend?"

And i shook my head, remind her how i dont have one anymore.

So she came up with this conclusion.

"Christina's too normal today."

When an abnormal person who's somewhat bipolar become's normal. Something's really wrong.

Just like how i say i'm fine about everything that happened over the past week or so.

Even if i say i'm fine, am i really fine? I don't know. I want myself to be fine. But know what? It's hard to just let every single memory go. I love how crazy Jay was, you know? It's sad to know that you may never see the person you're so attached to. "I believe from today onwards, every single memory of us will be of happiness. And from now on till eternity, i'll be with you. We'll be happy like this everyday." I heard this quote on the television just now, and i translated it into chinese. I always thought that i REALLY, REALLY am attached to Jay. Really. I feel stupid talking to myself here.

For me, everything changed when i fell for Jay. Really.

I've always wanted to take over korea and become an actress. And i've always specialised in Jazz. And i've always wanted to go to Princeton because that's where the princes and princesses go. Fine. I admit i have a girly side of me too. But after Jay, the whole Jay incident and such, i didn't want to go to Korea anymore. Moreover, i suddenly wanted NOTHING to do with korea whatsoever. I mean, i just dont want to visit korea for the next year and half or so. Why? The netizens scare me. Everything scares me all of a sudden. I've become more prone to screas and such. And yes, what the hell. I want to learn and be a professional bgirl. I want to go on competitions. I want to feel the desire to win. And now? Because Jay returned to Seattle, my aim changed from Princeton to UW. Stupid, right?

I might never get to meet Jay ever in my whole entire life, and yet i'm changing everything for him. Guess what. I don't care if i never see him in my life, ever. I just want to go to Seattle, get into UW which is in the top schools in the world, ranked top 100. Perhaps being in the same place as Jay will make me happy.

And i know so many of my friends are saying that "This is just a rash decision. Dude. Do you really think you're going to continue liking Jay for THAT long?"

Hey. I've liked him for over half a year. It might not beat the record of me liking hangeng for 3 years, but guess what. hangeng as been my number one for so long, and yet Jay successfully kicked geng off his throne. I feel guilty, really, and i feel like slapping myself. But so?

Like, even if i don't like Jay anymore at that time, i would still he contented for i have gotten motivated to go to such a school.

Hey. I might never even know if i'm next door neighbours to him or something. But i Don't Care. And guess what. I just realised that 2008 was over like, nine months ago.

This is what i gotta do for myself.

So even if im okay, there'll always be a part of me that was ripped away when jay left. And even if he return, i doubt it'll be filled up again.

it just hurts so much.

It really does.

Love
Soomi

Disturbia

2009-09-18T04:58:00.000-07:00

Oh goodie! -claps hands-

Another angsty series written by the oh-so-normal BoBo is coming your way -.-

And this?

Dreams. Very freaky dreams.

I always thought my reoccuring dreams were just a part of like, ME. But things have been getting really freaky lately, especially after the whole Jay-Park-leaves-2pm-and-also-leaves-soomi-to-die thing. I really think i'm obsessed with him, but it's not just 'EHMUHGAWD Jay's SO HAWT!' obsessed, but more of the 'I'm working, doing everything in my life because i look up to him' obsessed.

Fine. Back to my oh so freaky dreams.

I'm not sure if everyone's like this, but usually in my dreams, the characters doesn't have a face. Like, you'll never be able to catch a glimpse of the person's face in the dreams. You can only assume that they're good looking, since their clothes are just fab and such, but really. I find them freaky. It's like, reoccuring.

How would you feel if you fell asleep one day and in your dream, it's supposed to be a really sweet spring day in Japan where you see cherry blossoms falling from the trees. Sweet scene isn't it? -.- But imagine you're like, there, empty in this whole park, only color coming from the pink cherry blossoms. The sky's grey, the ground's grey, even the barks of the trees were grey. And then you see something from the corners of you eye. Some weirdo dressed in light pink, almost blending in with the sakura flowers.

And then he turns towards you. You then realise that you're in color as well, totally standing out from the monochrome background. And then the weirdo starts gesturing at you. White fingers just telling you to go over.

But you won't want to, would you?

But then you suddenly feel goosebumps all over yourself and the scene change. You're in an empty field with a tornado rocking it up in a near distance. Yet you don't see it moving cept being weirdly stationary. And then you see this pink guy again. And you despise the color pink. But this time, the guy was grey, only his pink shirt stood out among the rest. And then you see it gesturing towards you again.

And you feel yourself nearing him, even though you never wanted to.

And then the scene changes again. You're standing atop of a building, facing the CCTV building in china. You see the pink guy again. This time, you see him standing on top of the building, waving at you. Besides the bright pink signature shirt, he was wearing a pink cap as well.

Pink or black. Im not positive -.-

And then he jumped. This lil guy just jumped. '

And you were there to witness every single thing.

And guess what i remembered?

I opened my eyes and stared at my ceiling the moment i saw him plunge.

I was like, WTF!?!? Cause my heart was like, pounding so MUCH.

Like. It was 3am? Or was it 2? I'm not sure.

But this is freaky.

Question.
WHO THE HELL IS THIS PINK MAN.
WTF IS HE TRYING TO TELL ME.

Meow.

I'd give customized icons + wallpaper for the person who answers this -.-

Love
Christina
8;28am . 18O9O9

From O8O9O9 - i'd be there

MISJADED Part IIII

2009-09-16T05:12:00.000-07:00

I never thought there'll be a part four to this. I really didn't.

But when i logged onto twitter today, i had to write something. I really had to. Remember how i didn't cry when i knew that Jay's gone. And yet i teared. I actually stood up and went to my toilet to get some tissue paper before sitting down again.

-pokes- Stupid soggy tissue totally ruins the mood. But when you're reading the letter, please do prepare some tissue. Really. Really.

It's a letter sort of thing written by Jay's dad's friend. Original was in Korean. Translation provided by 2ONEDAY international forums. Full credits for the translation over there. But then i credit myself for my part of the writing.

I am a parent of someone that is close to Jaybum's age. Watching what has been happening these past few days, I have built up some confidence to say a few words.
I have been business partners with Jaybum's dad in Seattle and am a Korean-America who has been living here for 30 years. I have known Jaybum since he was a little kid and have watched him grow throughout the years. Also my kids have been going to school with him since pre-school and so they are quite close. Thus, I think I know a lot about Jaybum's family.

Jaybum's house in Seattle is near a beach called Edmonds and is in a prospective middle-class neighborhood. This house has been built for 40 years, but Jaybum has lived here ever since he was born for over 20 years.

In the parking lot aren't BMW's and Lexus's, but rather there are cars that are about 5-10 years old. Just recently they just leased a car from Hyundai Dealershop for an Elantra, but after Jaybum's situation, they had to return it.

In their house is a 37 inch Sony TV that has been there for 10 years. All the computers in their house are very old and about to break, and the best computer they have is a notebook that a fan had bought for Jaybum.
[I have no idea why. But i teared at this part. Jay's life isn't what you'll expect of such popular stars, right? But then, the tv shouldn't be very expensive then. It's big. really. But i wanna thank the fan for the notebook she bought Jay. Really.]

The reason i am telling you all this is because I wanted to show you how Jaybum's family life style is not fake nor ostentatious, but rather humble and normal for a middle-class family.
[ Exactly. He's just a kid. He's just a normal person when he's with his family. He doesn't deserve to be treated this way.]

After Jaybum came back from Korea, about 2 days later Jaybum's dad told Jaybum that he should study music and went out and sweating from the weight of the it, bought and brought into the house a 15 year old electric Yamaha piano that was $300 just for Jaybum.
Without any complaint, Jaybum took and practiced with that piano,a nd thinking of how I bought my son a Roland piano for $5000 made me so embarassed.
[Imagine this. You're a huge star in korea and everyone loves you, even the most famous female celebrities. You're the guy everyone wants and wishes to be. But you're not so glamorous after all. You're just a kid, and you're just depending on your parents. I look up to jay and his dad for this. Really. I've been using this word alot these few days, but really. His dad carried it back, something my dad never had time to do. Perhaps that's part of the reason i teared here, but jay's dad loves him.]

On Friday night Jaybum's dad and I got together to drink some beer and talk until 3AM, and all of a sudden tears dropped from his eyes and he began to share. He felt so bad for Jaybum.

For the past 5 years, no one knows how much Jaybum suffered from frustration and hard work, and so many times when he so much wanted to go back to Seattle, he always fixed his mindset and practiced for long hours, but now right as he gained so much popularity, he escaped to seattle in just 4 days, and that really breaks my heart.
Coming home from Korea, for those long hours on the plane, how much did he have to suffer and think in his mind?
[ I would have died on the plane, curled myself up into a tight ball of flesh and cried my eyes out. Crying for everything that fucked up in my life. But i believe that Jay's strong. Really strong. No one can beat him, unless he decides to do so himself. He stood strong for five whole years. He showed everyone what he's made of. And yet, comments like this kills. Four days, and he's back to square one. Put yourself in his shoes and imagine. How the fuck would you deal with this. I apologize for cursing. But i really am pissed. I mean, if im just kidding around, why the hell would i write essay lengthed things for this!?]

In the beginning of August, I remember when Jaybum came to Seattle for a quick visit. Because Jaybum's immature younger brother was not listening to him, I remember what Jaybum said to him.

"I want to go out and meet my friends like you and go out and have fun like you but do you know why I am going through all of this and working hard? Its because of you and our parents! Why can't you be more thoughtful of what you do!"

[ Jehan. I really liked Jehan you know? Because he's Jay's bro and all, and because of that picture so many years ago i saw on jay's myspace. the one someone commented that Jehan looked like someone who'd discovered new dino bones. Jay's been suffering alot. He's popular, and yet he's suffering. -cough- Actually. If it was me, i would have grabbed my sister by the shoulders and shaken her up. But jay didn't (height diff? No pun intended) he merely stated his thoughts. But THEY WONT READ THIS ANYWAY. BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH. So why am i caring to make Jehan AND Jay feel good. ho hmph. Im just going crazeh.]

In the car I asked my daughter who is the same age as Jaybum "Yuri! What does 'Korea is gay' mean?" "It means that Korea is stupid or annoying, we say it when we're tired or annoyed".

Even when my daughter and I fought when she went through her teenage years, she used the word 'hate' a lot. "Dad i hate you!" Just because she said that would i have to kick her out of the house?

[You didn't kick her out of the house. It's just a way people express themselves. Don't everyone say that at times? You get annoyed, tired, upset over things in the country, no matter if you origined from it or not. You're annoyed and pissed and downright angry. What would you tell yourself?]

During that time, I believe that Jaybum did not understand the Korean culture, and had a hard time adjusting, while the people who translated what Jaybum said on his myspace translated in a very wrong way because they don't know that that is just how teenagers speak in America.
I don't understand how what he wrote as a teenager has anything to do with betraying Korea in any way.
[Ive been trying to find the right words to say for so many days, one week. One whole week. And this man here just summarized every entry i've written into one sentence -.- I feel wronged -.- But Koreans aren't familiar with America. "Gay" & "Hate" in usa are used very frequently, and yet very lightly. Dude. I hate you! You're so gay! But do i really mean it in a way to hurt? NO! Im merely saying it! Its a joke! GET OVER IT!]

How can someone who really hated Korea work so hard for their family so they can live better lives?
[He didn't hate korea. He's been doing this for his family. EVERYTHING for his family. So why can't the netizens just see this? Jay stood strong thoughout everything because he had people's support, and he had the faith in him that he wanted better things for his family. But netizens stirred every little detail up so BIG, it just went POOF. GONE WITH THE WIND was Jay's effort. SWOOSH DOWN THE RAIN was where his sweat, blood and tears went. DAMN. It's unfair. Really. It's unfair.]

Us Korean-American's do not see America as a place just for money. We think of America as a new start where we have more opportunities, while our hearts are still with Korea and we want Korea to thrive.

During the 2002 World Cup instead of watching it at home my friends and I went to a sports bar and watched it in order to spread interest in Korea and soccer. When Korea put in a goal we alls screamed for joy and the American people who had no interest in Korean soccer seemed interested.

Even during the WBC, instead of watching the Major League we urged the Americans to watch Korea's games and those poeple who have Nokia phones and not LG or Samsung, we went and talked to them on why they wouldn't use a good Korean phone.

Don't these little things show how much pride we have for Korea? Even more than the pride of those overseas, we feel like we have a lot of pride in our country. Because of what a teenager wrote 4 years ago, i don't think that it was right to accuse and point fingers at Jaybum when he didn't mean anything like that, and cause him to be kicked out of Korea. That is not called having pride in our country.
Everyone, I urge you all to take a step back and think of what has happened in the past week, and also i urge you to have a big heart and embrace our young Korean-American who is trying so hard to live out his life and give him another chance.
[ Im not trying to pursuade anyone. Im just merely stating my points of view. Jay's the victim here. Yes. It's wrong for him to say korea is gay. But he didn't mean it did he. He said other things didn't he? He loves korea now don't he? He knows, and wishes to learn more about the country of his roots. "I'll never forget my roots." Doesn't that speak all on its own?]

I am not asking for you to put out a red carpet for him, but all I ask is for you to help Jaybum not feel embarassed or guilty anymore, and instead helpp him think more comfortably and have a warm heart for him.

During these past few days when the netizens said biting remarks about Jaybum, I want to say thank you to Boom for standing up for him and being brave. Boom still calls Jaybum everyday to check up on how he is doing.

Right now, Jaybums parents are in panic mode, and do not pick up the phone if it not someone they know.

Jaybum visited his old breakdancing studio when a black kid recognized him and put a camera up to his face and so he had to hurry up and just go home.
[ It's wrong to do so. If you recognise him, if you know what's happening, i'm sure you won't do that? Right? Im assuming you just didn't know what happened. Neh? -intended for the kiddo who pointed the cam to his face-]

He hasn't even been able to go to the church he went to all his life because he's still embarassed and guilty and disappointed in himself, so he hasn't been going out anywhere and just been staying home.
Seeing all of this, i feel so bad for him and am heart broken.
[This is sad. Seriously. A church is somewhere you learn to be a better person. And Jay's feeling guilty. Why? Because the netizens stirred it up didn't they. Jay didn't feel guilty when he wrote it. Why? HE DIDN'T MEAN IT IN A LITERAL SENSE. GET OVER IT. HE WAS A TEENAGER. AN AMERICAN TEENAGER WHO COULDN'T ADAPT TO KOREA'S CULTURE AND MEANS! SERIOUSLY!]

Last saturday, my family and Jaybum's family went to a friend's chinese restaurant in order to brighten everyones mood. Although he wasn't jumping for joy, being his first dinner outside since he came to Seattle, we had a good time and Jaybum's mood got a little better and more comfortable.

I asked him "Jaybum, do you wanna go back to Korea?"

"yes..but i'm not sure."
[Jay wants to return. He wishes to return. And why isn't he sure? he's afraid that when he returns, he'll stand on the stage, and suddenly everything would flush back to him. He'll be afraid that those below the stage were booing him, and he wont be able to hear. He's afraid that when he gets back, everything would happen all over again. Jay. I believe it wouldn't. And Jay. Please believe in youself.]

CREDITS: ISPLUS TRANS: JIHYE @ 2OD SCREENCAP: BELLE @ 2OD

Just like what my very last comment said. Jay. Please believe in youself.
I love you.
We all do.

Love
Christina

Confessions Part III

2009-09-14T02:14:00.000-07:00

I promised myself days ago that the second part of Confessions will be the last part. It'll also be the last time i'm going to write anything about Jay in a long time.

But i really have to write this. And even though, again, Jay might never see this ever in my whole entire life, or maybe his, i'm still going to write this. One person is support, five people are support, Khottest + Ihottest = even more support. So what happens when fanclubs from all over the world unites together to get Jay back? We get loads of touching quotes.

-Ducks-

~~When i start ballin y'all start ballin but whn i go ballin agn i realised that no one wanna go ballin wif meh. wth.~~

Pun unintended. I just had to write that.

A few of my FAV quotes ever from Hottest all around the world.

Love is a universal language.

Yes. Love is a universal language. Wo Ai ni. Je t'aime. Ti Amo. Aishiteru. I love you. Saranghae. Tequiero. I forgot how to say it in German, Mian. But it is. Everyone knows how to say I love You. Poon Blakhun. See? We all love Jay don't we? Yes we do. DAYMN.

Four years, the time it took to change him from Jay Park to Park JAEBEOM Four days, the time it took to destroy his dream.

This got me. This really got me. Four years isn't a short time. It really isn't. So what happens when all the effort you put in in FOUR YEARS vanish in just FOUR DAYS? You'll be sad. Fine. Understatement of the Century, but oh well. This is one of my favorite quotes, Really. And it hurts to know that all of these are true.

The RAINBOW has seven colours, this is a FACT. 2PM has seven members, this is an unchangeable FACT.

This is good. Oh so good. Richard of York? Please. It's not a fact, yet Jay belonging in 2PM IS a fact. Why do netizens -I refer to SOME- just throw stones like this without even knowing how the person felt then? At that point of time? Who actually bothered to try and look at this from Jay's POV when he wrote all these?

USA calls Asians who are Yellow on the outside but white on the inside Twinky. Which means that they are asian by blood, and yet they act American. Does this make sense? YES. Guess what. Singaporeans call people like this a Banana. Yellow on the outside, but when you peel everything off, you see whiteness. People like this can never fit in unless they do something. most of the time you can't act asian. But the thing is, i believe Jay wasn't trying to gain people's approval for saying bad things about Korea. It's how he felt then. Imagine if you're in a new place, where you can't understand the culture and language, and yet people assume that you know, that you SHOULD know since you're from this particular descent, how would you feel? You don't understand, and yet you can't ask. Yes. You'll learn time after time, but how would you know if you're too late? Jay ( Or should i say Jaebeom ) wasn't able to get used to everything, and yet after time, he embraced it. He started loving Korea, started regarding himself as a Korean, and started referring Korea as his motherland. See? Not everyone can get used to it. Maybe if this was you, you might still be bashing everything and refusing to change the way you speak and live. Imagine where that will get jay. JYP wouldn't allow a person like this to debut. But yet JYP did. Why? he saw the change in jay. He saw it, and knew that this guy had changed. But what did the netizens do? They bashed a person who wrote everything when he was adapting. What will netizens say if you knew no or very little english and yet they chose to throw you into a place like America? Would you hate it at first? Or would you just go 'OH YEAH BABE! I KNWO NOTHING HERE! PEOPLE LOOK AT ME LIKE A FREAK! WOOHOO!!! LETS GO BABE!" Please. If you chose the latter, i would personally come down to wherever you are and haunt you.

7 or NONE
I will walk with you from the hottest hour to the coldest hour,
from the brightest hour to the darkest hour.
2PM & Hottests, Persevere!

I teared a little looking at this. Really. jay doesn't deserve this, does he? But the thing is, where the hell did 'New Jersey' come from. I mean, after fangirling over Jay & 2PM for so long, ive never heard or seen the fact that Jay came from New Jersey instead of Seattle. And the thing is, dude. I call Jaejoong gay at times, but i was just kidding around. Cindy knows i love Jaejoong as well, just making fun of her liking Jaejoong so much.

Like what happened to me.

When i first got to Boston, even though i was young, you could feel how cliquish everything was. there were only like, 2 asians with me added, and everyone else was just...american. I'm not considered as an American-Born-Chinese, or ABC, as i was born in Beijing. But the thing is, people there saw me as a Cheena person. But when i got back to Beijing, i couldn't speak or write chinese, and everyone saw me as an american. I wasn't an outcast, but i had difficulties communicating. I know some people might say 'You're from China. And yet you don't know chinese. You should feel ashamed.' But does that give people the right to say 'You don't knwo chinese. You embarress us. You should go back to Boston and commit suicide.'? It's unfair you know. I'm not a Banana. I've learnt to adapt to the ways people live here, and yet Singaporeans regard me as a Cheena person just because i was BORN in China. Does this make sense? It does, but i think people always regard this in the wrong way. Fine. I accept. I should know how to sing the national Anthem. I should know what the stars mean on the flag. I should understand the cultures as well. but the thing is, i couldn't fit in anymore in Beijing, due to my horrible chinglish Singapore had influenced. I'm regarded as a China person in Singapore as i'm born in China, and if i return to Boston, people will regard me as a Singaporean. This is the way people's brain works, and you can do nothing to it expect to accept the fact. No matter how much you change it. You can't. So when you're friends start looking down on the country you're born in, you can do nothing expect to smile and nod. You have to agree, or you're probably going to become an outcast.

I saw this from personal experience. I really do.

"What time is it now? Its 1:59pm. 1 minute is missing."

Hell. Not just ONE minute. One whole LIVING PERSON is missing from this! DAMN. DAMN. DAMN.

Waiting for 4 years, flying for 1 year, and falling down in 4 days

5 years of living in his motherland taught him that it is "The Republic of Korea" not just "Korea"
5 years of living in his motherland taught him that it is "Korean Language" not just "Korean"
5 years of living in his motherland taught him that it is "Park JAEBUM" not just "Jay Park"

Park JAEBUM, a guy who has yet to learn and fulfill a lot of things.
Please give him a chance to fly in "The Republic of Korea" once again.

This is taken from the NEWspaper. Reports have been saying that Jay goes to church everyday. Someone should buy a column and do this on Seattle Times (Im really not sure about the name thought O.O) But please. jay have to read it. He has to know how all of us loves him. I have a feeling he already knows. But he needs the break. he needs it. Really.

Regardless of race, language or religion.

Many netizens are rash. Really. But like how the quote above says, taken from the Singapore pledge, it should be true. Not just in a small garden city like Singapore. This should be applied all over the world.

Twinkies. bananas. Oreos. Cream puffs. FOBs. There's a slang everywhere about how you're stuck in the middle. You'll always be the middleman. I can't say be proud of it and just let everyone tease you, but always remember your roots. Remember in the Making of 2PM? "I'll always remember my roots."

People use the words "Gay", "Love" and "Hate" alot in the USA. Like in Princess Protection Programme, Carter said "I HATE YOU!", which translated in NORMAL english means "I love you like a best friend but i'm just kidding about ahting you."

Really.

Perhaps it's time for me to give it a rest as well.

Love
Christina H.

PS. It's hard to belong somewhere where people don't regard you as a member of your nation. It really is hard.
6.12AM
140909

Confessions Part II

2009-09-10T02:50:00.000-07:00

I suddenly find everything a big joke.

So Jay Park return to Seattle. Why am I getting to fed up and losing my soul over everything?
Yes.
I do like Jay alot. Hell, MORE than alot.

But i dunno. After reading what JYP had said, even BEFORE that. My views changed.

I know all around the world Hottest fans are going crazy over the fact that Jay left, and i know some are getting sick, even having suicidal thoughts.

But to think of it, how will Jay feel? Yes? I mean. I was a part of the people who wanted Jay back. I admouthed JYP, i said everything i could. But was i really at peace, thinking so selfishly when everyone's crying like shit and what-so-ever? A part of me died when i realised that i seriously have to let all of these go. For Jay perhaps.

Quizas, people will hate me for saying this. But right now, i don't want Jay to return. For him. For me. I know it's selfish. But imagine returning to a place where you feel hatred when you stand on stage. Will you be able to digest it all? Even though people say they don't hate you, they regret doing everything to you? I follow his mind dammit. If it was me, i won't go back to Singapore. If it was me, i would have bought a plane ticket to Boston and enroll myself at some school so i could start over. I won't come back to Singapore, since i didn't want to be here in the first place, and since i love america so much. I know, Steph would probably slap me, tell me that im a bitch for not loving the country which nurtured me. but let me tell you something. I will always thank Singapore for everything she has given me.

My point? I don't wish for Jay to return. I know saying this might be stupid and all, since i won't be able to see Jay whenever i turn on the internet and know what's happening to him, but i really think this is the best way.

'A part of me died when i let you go.' A part of me had died when i heard he was leaving. I stoned. I seriously stoned there, sitting there just refreshing twitter every few seconds to see Jay's whereabouts. I...i don't know what to think. Really.

Every night before i sleep, i would be watching Wild Bunny on my phone, laughing like an idiot to myself whenever Jay does something stupid. But since 070909, i couldn't. I couldn't bear to watch him anymore. I can't stand him being so happy when he really isn't now.

Like what Jaemin said 'afterall... He means so much to you that i kind of understand.'

Jay Park really meant alot to me.

He was my idol, my motivation, my if-he-attaches-10cm-to-his-legs-he-will-be my ideal man. but now he's what i'm working hard for.

I don't want Jay to return. Selfish request. I want him to stay in Seattle, work hard, be a real man.

I feel closer to Jay this way. I mean, it's like, 12+in the morning in Seattle right now. I kept thinking 'Oh what is Jay doing, is he doing this, doing that?' yesterday. But today i realised that it's all to vial, isn't it? I kept thinking that if he returned to Korea, i won't have any chances anymore.

Selfish of me, isn't it?

I mean, i want him to STAY in seattle. So when i'm old enough to go to Uni, i'll take my SATs, get a scholarship and fly myself off to the University of Washington. I suddenly had an aim. Serious. And even if i never get to see Jay Park in my whole entire life, i'll feel like i'm with him. Every second counted when i was fangirling over Park Jaebeom of 2PM. But now everything feels even more precious because i'm not liking him as park Jaebeom now, even if other Hottest are still seeing him as the Leader of 2PM. I kept thinking of how he'll always be the leader of 2pm, and yet now, i suddenly think all these are just too much for him. I'm seeing Jay as Jay Park, a guy who was a star in Korea. I'm seeing him as a guy who's my motivation, which i'll work even harder than before for.

I surprise myself. Life is full of surprises [Jaemin quote], and i surprise myself at times.

Im surprised i didn't cry.

I'm surprised that my mindset changed.

Im surprised that im so attach to Jay.

Im surprised.

And just when i thought i had exhausted everything i wanted to say, there goes more of my Confessions.

I think these might be one of the things that i'd look back years later, and i'll go 'I'm proud of myself for saying these.'

So Jay's myspace is gone. So Yoon's myspace is gone. So Khun's myspace is gone. So what? I'd still live without seeing it! As long as they're still here, everything's gon be alright, right?

'Being alone tends to drive me insane.'

I might just not go insane for once.

But whenever i think of how Jay would get a girlfriend and get married before thirty and all, it hurts. It seriously fucking do. It's funny, how irony the whole thing is. I don't want him to go back, and yet i don't want him to stay. I want him to stay in Seattle because that's the only way i could work hard, and in my abilities get to him. See. I'm a selfish bitch who cares about no one else except for myself. Sue me. I'm telling the truth here, and i'm just merely stating my own opinions on this.

As a fan, i wish Jay would think through.

As...well, me, Christina, i hope that he'll follow his heart, and i'll be supporting him wherever it takes him.

I feel closer this way. And i'm proud of myself.

Others might see me as this foolish lil girl who's so selfish that she doesn't want Jay to return.
I see myself as someone who cares about how Jay feels.

Like what he said, "How can i go back to a place where so many people hates me?"
No. I don't believe they hate you, jay. You might never see this, EVER, but i'm saying it now. I understand how you can never stand up on stage again without thinking that 'Oh god. The audience might be booing me. How will i do this?' You'll never be able to let lose and give it you all again, but that's how i feel.

'Because of you, my life has changed.Thankyou for the love and the joy you bring. Because of you, i feel no shame. I'd tell the world. It's because of you."

I'd tell the world that it's because of Jay Park who was my idol so many years ago when i set foot in Seattle. Watch out. You watch out. I'll be there.

I'm seriously there for you Jay, no matter what you saw or do.
I have your back Jay.

I really do.

And...i'm proud of that.

Love
Christina
Ineverthoughtiwouldbesayingthis

Confessions Part I

2009-09-09T01:01:00.001-07:00

i didn't cry when i saw Jay leave. I didn't cry when i saw him entering the gate. I cried when i thought of how lonely he must feel sitting alone on the plane.

Jay left Korea, and i fully expected myself to my crying like shit and people will have to slap me so i could gain consciousness just to cry for him again. But hey, i didn't. Even i saw how much tweets were concerning Jay yesterday, i refreshed it every three seconds just to be in the center of the action.

I never expected much.

But i had trusted my intuition when my friends said "Aiya. It's justa ploy. Everthing will be alright soon." My intuitions were always correct, no matter how much i wish they weren't.

When i got home at about 11PM the day BEFORE Jay's departure, i couldn't sleep. I kept thinkign about everything and how things were NOT going to be alright, no matter how many times i tried to convince myself that Jay will never leave 2PM, never abandon his post as the leader of 2PM. After tossing and turning for so long, i finally fell asleep at FIVE AM. Maybe it was the Urber Disgusting Milk tea i drank that night, but i fully expect it to be worry.

And i woke up at eight. AM.

I got so worked up when i went online that morning. My intuitions came true, and it's not for the first time.

When i told my friends that Jay Kang was really leaving, they didn't believe me.
And yet i knew he's leaving. Not coming back.
And he left.
When i told my friends that she musn't go to Taiwan because of all the natural disasters, she didn't go.
And that's when the flood came in.
When i told my dad to return home earlier from Phuket for his business trip, he returned reluctantly.
Two days later, christmas, the tsunami struck.

I don't even feel like pointing out just how i see things. I always thought i could.

So when i told my friends "Dude. Seriously. It won't be that easy." I said it because i thought i knew Jay, even thought i apparently didn't. I was trying to convince myself the whole time i tried to force myself to sleep. I couldn't. I seriously couldn't.

Allkpop was flooded when i tried going there, so i sat before my laptop and just stared, refrshing twitter every few seconds.

My cousin brother complained i look really pale while sitting there, and when i was telling everyone how heavy i'm crying, i didn't. I seriously didn't cry. I would have expected myself to cry like it's the end of the world and such, but i didn't. I think my hopes for him to continue being the leader of 2PM have faded when i saw the report of him reaching Seattle and hugging his mom.

I suddenly felt evil to think that i prayed hard for him to come back, when all he wants is a little time alone, without the media and fans all around him. He needs his family, his friends, a little space. He needs to breathe.

I sent a message to my friend at 11PM yesterday night, saying how scared i am, and yet no matter how much i said that he'll come back, i have this feeling in the pit of my chest that he won't. What i meant was that i never thought he would return AS THE LEADER of 2PM. And i still didn't cry then, even thought i was doing so much mental sums of the time difference between Singapore and Seoul and Seattle til my head hurt like shit. And than i told my friend "the whole day i wanted to cry, but theres like smth there that's stuck. I just tear, i can't cry! They won't come! Everytime i said im crying like shit is how i FEEL like doing! I feel numb!"

It's like, no matter how many times i repeated to myself that Jay Park's gone, my body just doesn't register.

It still hasnt sunken in yet i think, my body just processes it as a nightmare that comes with my oh-so-imaginative dreams.

And please, all of you should know how much i love Jay.

I seriously do. I do, and i always thought it was beyond skin-deep. I always thought i loved him from the bottom of my heart, even though i merely act as a stupid crazy fangirl about him. My heart feels queasy, and i don't know what to think. I thought i was real superficial of me to go get a customized cap with Jay's name on it which costed me 50 bucks. And im refusing to take off my 2PM bracelet unless im bathing even though it's being imprinted onto my arm like hell. Every morning i wake up seeing it, and i go "There's still hope, right?"

How selfish i am.

How much i wish Jay would come back.

I blamed JYP at first, thinking that i was blind to see him as a good guy, someone i would want as my mentor. but than i realised, it wasn't JYP's fault that Jay decided to leave. JYP had said that he did not want jay to leave, and yet Jay wanted to return to America as soon as possible.

His home. He still sees Seattle, or should i say Edmonds, as his home, even though he'd been in Korea for so long.

Quizas, this is also a part of how i feel. I thought i 'knew' him, like, i felt his emotions, being in a foreign land and all. I loved Boston from the bottom of my heart, and I still do. I still see Boston as a home even though i've been in Singapore for...eight years? You have no idea how much i wish to go back, perhaps even for a mere holiday. My dad never lets me. Why? He can see how much i love there, and he knows that i'll refuse to return. I guess i always loved countries with the four seasons.

To JYP :
I'm really sorry for doubting you. But please, make them do something about the dream concert poster. take a new picture if they have to. Just don't use the cut out one. It hurts everyone, and i know you're hurting too. I know you love Jay, i really know you do. Especially since it was YOU who saw through him and chose him at the LA auditions so many years ago.

To Jay :
Like what i've said, stiffen that upper lip up, soldier, u don't have to cry. We're still here, even though you might not return as the leader of 2PM. Peace..?

To Yoon HM:
Take care of Jay, okay? Like, seriously. You've been his best friend since like how long ago. I always thought that both of you could be like Jin or something and be like the first asian duo to rap and such. I feel like such a stalker when i went to see your xanga -.- But it was seriously sweet of you to encourage jay even thought you weren't feelin veh, erm. yeah. So give him all the support you can, u know he needs it, and i know you'll give it to him.
PS. HUGE FAN OF SENORITA REMIX. SERIOUSLY.

To Myself :
Pick you fucking self up and study. Back to Boston. Harvard perhaps, even though you love princeton. Do yourself a favor. Giddy up.

and oh, to Junho : Be good. Respect your hyungs and dongsaengs, and even though i liked you FIRST in all of 2PM -thinkin the rest were gay anw-, please. Remember that jay's the leader too.

but after saying all these, besides ME who wrote it, who actually cares about what i write? Hell. I had always thought that one day i would set foot back among my peers, head held high, saying ive accomplished something big. My dream of becoming a professional dancer started when i saw rain dancing, and my dream of becoming a pro-entertainer faded when i saw how Shinhwa disbanded. And yet my dreams weren't gone entirely. I hope that Jay would be like my dreams, fading slightly from everyone, and yet in your heart you know he'll return.

Payce.
-IMUSTRETURNTOBOSTON-
Christina

Forever-ParkJay

2009-09-08T04:47:00.000-07:00

So now Jay's gone.

ARE ALL OF THE FUCKING NETIZENS WHOM WISHED JAY'S DEATHE HAPPY NOW!?!?

He's gone.

A part of my heart is gone too.

I can't. I won't stand for this.

I can't find the words to say.

I cried for Jay.

Cin n Pei were both tellin me how 'Everything was going to be alright' yesterday when i asked them what was going to happen.

This is like something that comes out from my oh-so-dramatic-dream!

Anyway

Join this site to support Jay

Forever-ParkJay

Love
Christina
I'll always love you.

MISJADED Part III

2009-09-06T23:20:00.000-07:00

Short one here.

2PM's activities are all CANCELED.

Cut him soem slack will ya.

seriously.

If anyone remove jay, i'll personally come and find you.

MISJADED Part II

2009-09-06T20:07:00.000-07:00

There might be even more parts coming up. Stay tuned for more. And i'm fricking serious here.

So Jay is supposed to be this permanent guest on this Korean variety Show "Sunday Sunday Night" and is said to be filming a new corner on the show called "No-Da-Gee".

And guess what, they're saying that he might be kicked off the show. No-Da-Gee is this show which tries to bring Korea's culture to everyone's homes, so basically they go around at different landmarks and complete missions to complete this treasure map. They're saying that Jay should be kicked off the show because he didn't understand the Korean culture and didn't know the words to the Korean national anthem. Disregarding teh fact that he was BORN and raised in SEATTLE, WASHINGTON, which is actually a part of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Which meant that he had no contact with anything koreanese or such since he basically grew up for EIGHTEEN YEARS in Seattle. Or Edmonds. --

The past will always haunt you. And i dunno, maybe years later when i look back on this i'll be like 'OHEMGEE. Was i that in love with Jay? I mean, how tall was he again?" It's liek this you know.

A post was made during somewhere at the end of 2005, saying that everyone's not excited for him coming home anymore. His family and friends are just like 'Oh sure.'

The post was deleted some weeks ago. I swear cause i phoned my friend and almost cried out loud -.-

And then on the 20/08/09, i went checking his and saw Jay on line. It was about 8PM++ in Singapore, which is like 9++ in Korea. I got SOOOOOOOOOO excited that i called my friend again. I even asked my dad okay!?

Fine. Checking his never-gon-update blog had became one of my frickin annoying habits that i just wish to cure.

And guess what. His good pal XXXXXXXXXXX's [i refuse to leave a name here. HMPH] was deleted too. And his last log in was on the 25/May/09. I know cuz it's cuz of him i gre to lvoe larry the cucumber.

And OH! Jay's lil cuz's myspace is now set on private too!

AND OH! Nichkhun's Myspace is deleted also. I'm guessing...hmmm?

You seriously won't want to hear it.

See how much it's affecting everyone?

Dude.

Netizens, get a life. Please.

So let's see who's gone. Khun Jay XXXX. Dude. Please.

Netizens, see how much it's affecting everyone?

And DUDE! I'm BORN in China, and yet i can't sing the whole sogn with perfect lyrics. And guess what, i'm not ashamed. It's just the way life is. I can't say i love singapore, but i know the lyrics cuz you have to sing it every morning. For china, i was born there, but i was raised in America and Singapore. I only know the basic tune of the anthem and someone has to prompt me before i can even start! And you can't blame me since i wasn't even raised to know it. And younger kiddos aree proved to have better memory. So Jay was already EIGHTEEN when he left edmonds and flew to Korea. ~~I never thought his memory was any good since he spells memory as mimry, but oh well~~ So LIN CHUANG SHI YAN ZHENG MING he won't be that good at memorising. But he tried, right? hey, go turn on youtube and watch wildbunny ep. 3 and 4, where the bald eagle is looking for his pray in the van. Besides he wasn't raised there.

And oh, prove that their myspaces are GAWN.

-gone with da wind-

love & nawtsopayce
chris
o7o9o9

MISJADED

2009-09-06T04:36:00.001-07:00

This is about the MOST STUPID THING netizens have DONE ALL ALONG.

Let me show you the conversation between me & Naomi.

ßōßōŁi0uš♥ BEEZY허수미x바재범 says:
ok
leme start from the beginnin
Jaebum = Jay
has a myspace account
| N | K | Macadima Nuts <3>
Ok. GET MY POINT!
Fucking netizens have to dig all the way to Jay's past cuz they can't seem to be able to handle the fact that Jay is famous now, is it?
I swear that it's Jay's Myspace, cuz like i've said before, i felt i knew more about jay than alot of people.
You might not believe me, but i do.
FUCK IM TEARIN CUZ OF THIS FUCKIN MESS.

I mean, LOOK. Jay's BORN in AMERICA, and he's a bboy cum rapper. So he curses. SO WHAT!? Everyone curses! And everyone disses their own country at times! And he wasn't even BORN in korea, so what's the FUCKING PROBLEM HERE. And he said those stuff FOUR FUCKING YEAARS AGO. SO NOW STOP THIS SHIT!

And the thing is, Jay's myspace was deleted. So whatever. But i went to his friend's, who wasn't on since 25/05 this year, was deleted too.

Like what Cin said 'Friends stick together'.

Fine, anotehr quote from naomi.

Don't worry dear.. i'm pretty sure Jay wants everyone to let this whole situation die.
he is a man of his word. If he says he's changed he totally has. I mean look at him now! He's defo a korean. He can't go around stabbing his own image. The reason he delted his myspace was obv being embarrassed by the whole situation. i mean WHO WOULDNT BE?! And as fans we gotta to take this into note. Help out this poor fella here (: Be his support!
dont tear alright girl? jay would defo not want that.

But guess what. I'm angry, and i'm sad.
I never knew i was so obsessed until it's becoming like this.
And he apologized.
So save those shit for someone else to eat, EYAH!?

OH GAWD.

Guess what, ima gon annouce to the whole world
YOU GO JAY! SHOW EM WHATCHA MADE OF! DONT BACK DOWN. I KNOW YOU LOVE KOREA AS MUCH AS USA NOW. SO GO!MAKE EM PROUD!

Love
Christina
O6O9O9
And btw, happy 367 day debut!

First Love

2009-09-01T02:51:00.000-07:00

I know, cheesy title isn't it?

I suddenly thought of it when i read Jay saying how he had a girlfriend in Seattle but not in Korea.

I suddenly felt as if i'm obsessed. Like, i'll have to know his every move, getting jealous when he says something.

But he taught me something.

You'll never forget a crush, a girlfriend, a boy friend, no matter how long ago it might seem.

For example, there's this guy, [damn fail btw], who STILL hasn't reached 160cm though he's already 16, and i'll still think about him at times, even thought i don't like him any more. Hell, that was like...four years ago was the last time i actually talked to him.

I still haven't forgotten about him thought. At the back of my mind somewhere, i'll remember that i've always liked him more than a friend and such.

Just like J3, whom was rumored to be my boyfriend for three years. We were never together, but yes i liked him. Everyone in the levels knows about us. This random girl who was before me in the PSLE just turned around to me and asked 'j3 is your boyfriend, right?', and gave me the 'dude-i-totally-dont-believe-you' look when i told her no. I wasn't. But i seriously wasn't. I've always wanted a boy friend, but i knew even myself that i was too young.

And there came my first boy friend who's a bastard, four yeaars older than me, and still in the same level as me. Fine. I might have to explain again how much i prefer older guys, like how jay is like 8 years older than me.

And there's this guy next door who likes me, and gave me a white teddy bear. But its perhaps a sad thign that he didn't know i hated teddy bears, much prefering tigger from Pooh. And i shamelessly gave the teddy to my frist boy friend, who was already an Ex than. guess what. That bastard [ I shall address this...ex bf of mine as erm, CF commercial] told me 'I'll take really good care of it' when he took it out from my locker. And guess what, later that day, my friend told me she saw him throwing the bear around and another girl carrying it in her arms.

I wasn't pissed, really. I, backboneless, even messaged him. Content? I forgot. But seriously. I would have gone back in time and slapped myself for it. And now it's almost exactly a year since we broke up. I don't know why i'm writing this. Perhaps because i had made such a wrong choice of a first love? And to think i thought so highly of him then! Now i can only feel disgust to myself. I mean, HELLO!?!? Do i not have brains? He was this skinny twig whom i thought was tall before just because he stood at merely 177. Crap.

And there's this guy from a very good school whom i knew on his birthday last year. 14 March 08. I remember because it's white day and because it's the day the w-inds. debuted 8 years ago. He was really nice, but he hated the fact that i liked this CF commercial guy. And i hated him for insulting CF commercial. But guess what, my friend told me that he has a girl friend now, but when i messaged him about having H1N1 cases in my school, he still gave that kind of 'oh-i-still-like-you-but-i-have-no-choice-but-to-date-cuz-you-dont-like-me-back' kinda reply. Why did i bother messaging him again?

Oh right. I was using him, and i feel bad. I seriously feel like a downright bitch for doing all of these, and i never thought that i would be someone like this. Forgive me? Please? I know none of this sound even remotely like Christina HEO, but i seriously am sorry.

And the guy who gave me the white teddy? Im sorry too.

I really, really am.

And that first guy? My clan, the four of us whom knew each other since forever, had all fell for him in phases. Stupid, right? yes i know it is. And i don't even know why am i ranting all of this, but i feel like i have to. And oh, he's the Lance guy i talked about in my post quite some time ago.

Jay brought everything out of me.

And, even thought i'm still overly obsessed with you, i have to thank you for telling me this. How it's impossible to forget a crush or first love even though you have no feelings for the person anymore what-so-ever.

Thank you Jay.

Thank you.

Love&Payce

HE-O Sashimi
O9O9O9; O63Opm

NEW LAYOUT!

2009-08-21T21:24:00.000-07:00

Yes! A new LAYOUT LMAO.
Kudos to Chazzie unnie @ Dorkistics.
Also
Affie button
From DYCreations~

Love~

2009-08-20T01:06:00.000-07:00

Firstly, i'll be changin skins soon TT.Tt
Im leavin this on for maybe 2 more days, so that i can admire jaykhunsu's ahdorable faces.

oh yeah.
my class's quaretined.
3 cases of h1n1 in my class, 6 other suspected

TEEHEE~~~

Btw, LOVE CHAZZIE UNNIE -cough- cuz she made my skin xD

Love story

2009-08-15T19:12:00.001-07:00

Or maybe i should have named this entry Fairy Tale.
The similarity? None of it will appear in my life. That, i'm sure of.

Like, is a good story supposed to end unhappily ever after? Of all the love stories i've read so far, expecially the classics, there's always a happily ever after. And no, i'm not talking about emoish shakespear romeo and juliet. I'm talking about cinderella, snow white, sleeping beauty, beauty & the beast, mulan, lil mermaid...etcetcetc. No matter how much the climax hurts, the girl will always wake up in the end and stare into the prince's eyes before marrying and riding their just married carraidge into the sunset.

And boy am i jealous.

I've always wanted to be a princess when i was like, really young. I wanted to have a prince charming before me riding on a white horse, and than he'll ask for my hand in marriage to my dad. And my dad will say no and he'll try even harder.

But hey, i'm no modern day Cinderella.

Like, when you've decided and say oh 'This is my fairy tale love story' and you put in you heart, soul and mind, but suddenly the guy vaporizes into thin air and just as wonderful as how it began, it carried on for a few chapters before ending abruptly, and the fairy tale love story you're reading is being stashed to the back of you bookshelf by your mom and trying to get you to sleep.

But you can't go to sleep. You just lye there waiting for someone to read you the story again, and yet when you get up to take it, you're too short. you're unable to reach the book without assistance, and you can only sit at the base of the shelf crying to yourself.

But finally, years later, when you're finally tall enough to reach it, you flip open the book, and realise that you can't even seem to get past page one because it just hurts to much to try and relive your own love story, which will never have a happily ever after just like the tale. So you'll ask youself, why bother?

Like, i like guys with the bboy swagger alot, and it seems as if most of the guys i fell for were either dances, goof offs, or just plan swaggerish.

Get what 'm saying?

hm?

Love
SOomi

To ; Jay

2009-08-14T04:06:00.000-07:00

First, total LOVE icon from teri unnie @ Hyori's Bench.
Don'tcha think my 3 guys r BEYOND hawt.

Ok, let's relate back to my title.

Yeah...

To jay.

DUDE.
Why did you cancel your phone.
Why did you not reply my emails.
Why did you not go online.
Why did you fricking leave Singapore.
Why did you freaking go to korea.
Why did you insist on seeing your never before seen relatives whom don't even know you.
Why did you decide to go back to USA after Seoul?
Why did you refuse to return to Singapore?
Why did you choose not to go back to Boston and instead to LA?
HELL
Why did you choose to come to Singapore in the first place?
Why did you not stay in Boston when i was leaving?
Why did you even start teaching dance here?
Why did you get me hooked up on watching Bboy even thought i was like, only 6?
WHY DID I KNOW YOU DAMMIT!

Ok. Im sorry for saying all these to you. But jay, KANG JAEWON. JAYMACKKIE. Contact me in someway, okay?
Dude.
At least bother to inform you friend of like more than half a decade of you whereabouts.

Peace & Love
Soomi

Tagged by Darkess

2009-08-01T21:10:00.000-07:00

Before i start this, i have something VERY NOTSOIMPORTANT BUT STILL IMPORTANT TO ANNOUNCE.

I've completed ThiS Song.

And hell, am i proud. xD

Now, for the tag

1. The phone rings; who do you want it to be?
jay?
.
2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
Like, Duh. I want my dollar back xD
.
3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
I do both xD

4. Do you take compliments well?
actually...no
.
5. Do you play Sudoku?
Ohmybrainhurts
.
6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
OHYESIWIL!! I'll call the aliens, and im sure wild animals won't dare to eat someone with teh bloog type AB, since we're AWESOME xD -kudos to taecyeon for saying so-
.
7. Do you like to ride horses?
i think ponies stink -.- But white horses mane r love!
.
8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
...I hate it. PLEASE. im gonna suffer next yr!T.T
.
9. What was your favorite game as a kid?
Hot and Cold xD
.
10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you go for it? umm...EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
.
11. Have you lied to get out of a date?
I told him i was busy, and busy the next, and even more busy etc
.
12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
Im a free thinker, but as long as he doesnt push it, it should be fine?
.
13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
Pursued xD
.
14. Use three words to describe yourself?
Pokerface, Dork, Random
.
15. Do any songs make you cry?
It's kinda stupid -- Wings by JJ lin
.
16. Are you continuing your education?
haven stopped yet
.
17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
ohyeahicann xD as if -.-
.
18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?
Phone? wait, my songbook
.
19. How often do you read books?
Havent been borrowing...EHMUHGAWD. MY BOOKS SO OVERDUE!
.
20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
PAST AND FUTURE. i kindaa forget about teh present -.-
.
21. What is your favorite children's book?
imm...uuuuummm...eeemmmm...Snow White? OH WAIT! its a chinese book about some bamboo princess -.-
.
22. What color are your eyes?
erm, violet, very deep violet rings around it?
.
23. How tall are you?
im short. end of story,
.
24. Where is your dream house located?
BEACH! 2PM's DORM! VENICE! milan! boston!
.
25. Do you have a secret fetish?
I eat. alot. but thats no secret xD
.
26. Have you tried sushi?
GEEZ I FEEL INSULTED! -hands on heart- xD
.
27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
DUH. neoprints anyone? xD
.
28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
huh.
.
29. When was the last time you were at Church?
I dont go church xD
.
30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
Today? How bout in my dreams where im at the playgournd in Boston again?
.
31. What was your favorite job?
hmmm.....i have no job.
.
32. Do you like mustard?
HONEY MUSTARD!
.
33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
EAT. AND ILL BECOME FAT FAT FAT
.
34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
Dad T.T
.
35. How long does it take you in the shower?
-cough- an hour?
.
36. Can you do the splits?
Side yes, front no. It's my fatal flaw in dancing --
.
37. What movie do you want to see right now?
Public Enemy? Johnny Depp is hawt.
.
38. If you could fast forward your life, would you?
YEAH. and than replay it again
.
39. What did you do for New Year's?
Eat, crap, watch dbsk stuff wif cin?
.
40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?
Toshioh? OOOOHHH!!@ WOOYOUNGIE!
.
41. Could you relate to a character in Mean Girls?
OH YEAH. I got killed by a school bus -.-
.
42. Do you own a camera phone?
-.- like yeah?
.
43. Do you have an "ex box" with pics and letters from past lovers?
Why would i. If its over, than its over. no use hanging on to things which wont last
.
44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
She was a soccer player, bball player, runner, tracker, martial artist...what didnt she do -.-
.
45. What's the last letter of your middle name?
K
.
46. Do you like your middle name?
NO. i didnt even knew i had one until like, last last last month? And ive had it since i was five! THINK OF IT HONEY!
.
47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
Usual days ...5-6, weekends xD 9
.
48. Do you like care bears?
They scare me 0.o
.
49. What do you buy at the movies?
TICKETS xD one large popcorn wif one drink 2 be sharedxD
.
50. Do you know how to play poker?
yeah. and i also own a poker face -points-
.
51. Do you wear your seatbelt?
If i feel liek it O.o wait, I ALWAYS DO!
.
52. What do you wear to sleep?
HUGE shirt, shorts
.
53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
WWII BOMB BESIDE MY SCHOOL! OLD LADY GOT HIT BY TEH TRAIN AT MY SCHOOL'S MRT!
.
54. How many meals do you eat a day?
i cant even count with oth of my hands
.
55. Is your tongue pierced?
Nope. and never will be
.
56. Ever meet anyone you met on myspace?
noooo.
.
57. Do you read myspace bulletins?
like, will i be that bored? oh yes, i will be
.
58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
Im funny -wide grin- Funny + Funny = crazy
.
59. Ever been to L.A.?
i THINK so?
.
60. Did you eat a cookie today?
NOOOOO. T.T
.
61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
Yeah. Korean? Jap, Chinese, EnglishxD
.
62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
hmmmm?
.
63. Do you hate chocolate?
I love white xD but im not really asnwerign teh question
.
64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
hmmm...studies?
.
65. Are you a gullible person?
Gimme some lime icecream and i'll go with you
.
66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
HELL NO.
.
67. If you could have any job what would it be?
DANCER! JYP DEBUTEE! JTUNES DEBUTEE! ARTIST!
.
68. Are you easy to get along with?
...not so much -.-
.
69. What is your favorite time of day?
2PM! 11;11 in the morning. xD

hmm...
Leme tag...GDBABY, CHAZZIE, NAOMI, SHADOWYIN and ANNA!

Award!

2009-08-01T07:07:00.000-07:00

Okay. I know im REALLY slow on this -.-

But still,

Thank you Lost Shadows for the award!

To Nii with Love

2009-07-31T21:48:00.000-07:00

Ok the title was plain disturbing -.-
But i still wanna thank Nii for the 2pm album, and since her bday is coming soon...
[-cough-finealmostamonth-cough-]
I should give her smth xD
But before that

MUSHROOMS
This is what i did when i got so bored that i took a marker n started drawing on the whiteboard behind the teacher, and everyone was like LMAOing while the teacher talked about how someone called him to eat icecream.

Ok enough of the crap, one of my worst drawings to date -.-
Please, ignore the crappy handwriting. I was using my left hand -.-

ehmuhgawd
I just ruined my art career --

But whatsoever,

Love
Soomi

Thank you

2009-07-31T05:09:00.000-07:00

absolute loved icon from CHAZZIE UNNIE!!!
Also, Layout coded by unnie too! -heartshapeoverhead-
Im SUPER DUPER IN LOVE WITH JUNSU.
Ok
Not super duper, but be prepared to be bombarded with things 2PM-lated
xD

Love

Soomi.

2009-07-29T04:30:00.000-07:00

KIM YUNNI.
MADISON CHOW.
SOOMI LOVES YOU.
OH SOOMI LOVES YOU.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA.

IM TOO HIGH.
I HAVE MOZZIE BITES ALL OVER MY KNEE.
EHMUHGAWD KNEE

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHA

IM SO HIGH.

EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A STINKING FRICKIN BRO WHO TELLS EVERYTHING I SAW TO MY MOM N I THOUGHT HE WAS LIKE, GOOD.
BLEH.

WHATEVER.

KIM YUNNI.

SUSHI LOBBB UUUUU.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.

not so much for ur handwriting tho, harder to decipher than mine xD

AND THE CORRECTION TAPE BABY XD

" words"

2009-07-27T02:38:00.000-07:00

Been a while?

yeah. I know. I just didn't feel like writing much.

But khun is touching my heart. Not by how he looks, how cute he smiles, how nice a figure he has, now polite he is...I'm going over board here. But hey, it helps that his middle name is BUCK. Yes. Ice Age buck rawks awn. he pawns SHEEEETT. Ok. that's not what im posting here for.

I was watching Pops In Seoul, and Outsider said something that really got me thinking.

"There's alot of talented people nowadays, and being ready isn't everything."

That sentence got to me.

So yeah, what if im ready to audition? If i cant do it than i just cant. There's alot of talented people now a days, and why would JYP even look at me? This is just wrong. I cant stand failure. Yes i can stand imperfection, but undoubtedly never failure.

And than khun said something.

"There's that side to it too, yes. But, well, just look at it from another side. You get training on the job when you work. You can apply what you learn doing this in other industries as well, even in your daily life. If you give it all you've got, success is right in front of your eyes. If you can think positively, you can change everything. Take me for example, I am extremely exhausted, and I don't have time, but I look at it as an experience-building thing. I get to meet a lot of people from the industry, and these contacts might come in handy in the future. Opportunities are everywhere. If I keep [positive thoughts] with me, I'll feel encouraged to keep on working,"

I think hes a really deep guy. I mean, how many people whos 21 will say something like that?
Also, this

"Human beings like to be sabai. But sometimes, being sabai doesn't make you successful. Being trained and practicing hard changes a lot of things. They teach you the meaning of hard work and how you can succeed if you keep on practicing,"

I have no idea what sabai is by the way. Thai things? im not sure. But i think im falling for thailand by the second -.- why cant i leave more memories behind at Phuket when i actually went there. I should have did other stuff beside squeezing into a beach chair wif chenchen n eating potato chips -.-

The sea was AWESOME. Ok. Enough of side tracking, back to the topic.

"Of course I have my moments. There are times I want to be alone and do things alone. There are times that I feel like I want to have a girlfriend or hang out with other friends or travel. But when you're working a lot, you hardly have time to feel like that anyway."

"And then you think about work and your future, you kind of forget about it,"

Maybe im just being very...weird and emotional these few days, but this sentence got me to tear QUITE ALOT. There's always moment like that, right? I get it. I get it buckie, i totally do -tears-

Last words?

I'll end it with something khun said, shall i?

"This is my chance, and I don't want to ruin it by having a girlfriend. I don't want to lose my fans and let them down. Burdensome? Hmmm, I'm only human. I think about it, but I try to remain positive. I just look ahead,"

Love
Soomi
PS : SOOMI MISES YUNNI ALREADY! GAWDAMMIT!

D e n y

2009-07-25T05:32:00.000-07:00

as you MIGHT have noticed, ive gotten a new layout.

Finally. I say.

As in, i've been fiddling with codes and html and photoshop for the past few days, made 2 skins, but gave up on trying to recode them, one featuring Alex, Buck and khun, while the other featured Junsu from 2PM. I got so pissed at it.

And than, i watched the predebut video of hangeng again.

I had tears in my eyes. So guess what.
Hell yeah.

I fell head over heels in love with him again.

I had a dream yesterday you know?

I was driving, 2PM was grabbing onto the seats for their dear life. Apparently they said i was only trained in speed racing and now driving on normal roads. And then i picked up the phone.

Then i blacked out.

Ok i didnt back out.

I think i just froze there, watching the road move forward, but i couldnt hear anything or something like that.

Than somehow we went to noraebang? Howyya spell that -.-

And apparently i was screaming out my lungs to When im with you and It's you.

Than nugu? Junsu? started talking and i started bawling.

And it all sums up to something so stupid i cant even believe i dreamt of that.

Let's rewind back to the fateful phonecall shall we?

Me : nugu?
Person on other line : Hello? Chris? Guess what, you can finally get over hangeng.
Me : Huh. wth.
POL : HES GOT HIMSELF A GIRLFRIEND!!!

did i faint?

Wait, did i just like, day dream all those or did i really dream those.

I think i might kill myself if it really happens.

Or maybe i'll kill myself if my parents ever fight again.

I mean, WTF is their problem.

Yours,
Christina

Tagged

2009-07-24T19:49:00.000-07:00

Before i start doing this, I have something to show Yunni.

I know this isn't taemin...but hey, CHEER U UP IS WHAT SOOMI DOES!!! -ormaybejaejoong-xD
I actually wanted to take a pic of my own cheer u up tee, but my mom was cleaning my room n theres no freaking why i coudl do -.-

01. What's your full (real) name?
Christina Xu

02. Why?
U ask me? And i ask? hmm?

03. Nationality?
Chinese. me from chiiiina.

04. Date of birth?
21 May 1995

05. Where do you live now?
Singapore -cough-ihatethisplacecuzoftheweather. WTF IS MY BOSTON-

06. Favourite food?
...
I like soup? PIZZA?

07. Dislike/least fav food?
me hash aaaalot.

08. Fav colour(s)?
White. blue. black.

09. Dislike color(s)?
PINK. LIKE EHMUGGAWD EEEWWW.

10. Have any siblings?
a younger sis whos 10 years younger than me --

11. Talent(s)?
immm...umm, LANGUAGES? Me knows chinese, english, jap, basic korean, spanish, french, german and a LEEEEEEEEETLE bit of umm, waddya call, latin? DEAD language xD
And is dance counted? If not, piano. Hey, i SKIPPED 3 grades mind ya -- 2 yrs, grade 5 xD

12. Fav activity(ies)?
Friends, writing, INTERNET, fangirling, mirroring moves, BBOYXD

13. Your collection(s)?
CD collection. I think i have like, 70+ NONPIRATED CDS from CDRAMA. AND HMV. OH U OUTRAGEOUSLY PRICED BITCHWANNA-slap- sorry

14. Your childhood nickname(s)?
Christy, tiantian, chris

15. Current nickname(s)?
Soomi, Sushi, tempura, Sashimi -dont ask y its all related to..SUSHI- Christy, HEO, beez, BoBo

16. Are you sensitivie?
kinddddddd....a?

17. Good habit(s)?
umm...jumm...ummm...

18. Bad habit(s)?
LOTSA THEM

19.Weak point(s)?
i waste. i waste.

20. Strong point(s)?
tel me will ya,

21. Ghost fear?
-shivers-

22. Interest(s)?
dun ask STUUUPID questions. PWEASE

23. Who do you like in NEWS?
ummm...i like tegomasu -.-

24. Why?
im not big for J+ ppl tho O.O

25. Fav. JUMP member(s)?
zhong dao yu xiang. i cant rmb the jap onexD

26. Yaoi or anti-yaoi?
ANTI

27. What do you think of erika sawajiri?
who?

28. What do you think of Masami Nagasawa?
NUGU?

31. Are you in love right now?
deh

32. Having secret crush at the moment?
nah. wait, BUCKIE!?!?! oh wait, its not so secret xD

33. Like sports?
hmm...yeah

34. Scared of bugs?
ANTS.

35. Fav season(s)?
FALL N WINTER BABE. soomi hates the hawt hawt weather

36. Chocolate or strawberries?
eat? Choco covered strawberries. i rawk hell man xD

37. Milk or coffee?
coffee makes u age

38. Western or Japanese food?
O.O

39. Scared of blood?
me think...yeah

40. Hobbies?
LOTSA

41. Your lolita name: (your favourite colour and the name of your fav brand)
White EVERLAST. NYAGAAGGAGAGA -.- wth

42. Your magical name:
ignore

43. Your guard name:
please

44. Sun or moon?
MOON

45. Night or day?
NIGGHHHTTT

46. Your vampire name:
bleh

47. What's your style?
MINE. DONT YA TRYNNA RRIIIPP

48. How would you describe yourself?
im tired.

49. Loves anime?
me no likey

50. Your very first anime that you watch?
....... ..... YING TAO XIAO WAN ZI!!! ok wait, thats not anime -.- Sakura? digimon? OH GAWD

51. Currently wishing:
i wont be so tired

52. Your treasure(s)?
loads

53. Betrayal or lies?
nada

54. Spock or Jim?
huh

55. Loves transformers?
MEGAN FOX IS A SHEMAN -.- me no likey her

56. Optimus Prime or Bumblebee?
BEEEEEEEEEEE

57. Megatron or Starscream?
i like NEITHER XD

58. Chemistry or physics?
I HATE BOTH

59. Chemistry or Biology?
Bio ish .. fun

60. Business Study or Economy?
NO.

61. Science or maths?
naw? MATHS.

62. English or Science?
ENGLISH!

62. Rose or Lilies?
i like sunflowers

63. Long or short hair?
short xD

64. What colour is your room's wall?
light light blue

65. Colour of your bathroom?
all white -.- wif a black marble top

66. Video or PC games?
vid

66. PSP or NDS?
none

67. Akihabara or Harajuku?
HARAJUKU xD -cough-butipreferhorvejkul-cough-xD

68. Ramen or Soba?
RAMEN!

69. Japan or Korea?
i fell in LOVE wif japan xD but now, KOREA.

70. United States or United Kingdom?
STATES. -cough- like what the quote goes, UK ppl have a stiff upper lip-

71. Scared of?
lotsa

72. What time is it?
12.19pm

73. If you can fly,what would you do?
...umm, FLY?

74. Astronomy or astrology?
BOTH!!!

75. Major or Minor Arcana?
Mina -.-

76. Do you like Hello!Project girls?
NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. to cutsy for me. EWHMUHGAWD. DONT REMIND ME OF CUTE OF BERRYZ.

77. Why?
but to think of it, they're a legend -.-

78. Your favourite actress(es)?
bleh. Angelina jolie? I used to like hilary duff til she went crzy over plastic O.O

79. Your no. 1 favourite band?
i saw it as brand -.- 2PM

80.Most Favourite western song recently?
Confessions Part 1 - Usher
Chasing Cars - Snow Petrol
xD

81. The last movie you saw on cinema?
ICEAGE XD right after HP. AND I FOUND THE LOVE OF MY LIFE - BUCK

82. How was it?
OH YEAH BABE. BUCK

83. The movie you had been waiting for?
HP -.-

84. What do you want for halloween?
sleep? OOHHH!!! ICECREAM CAKE!

85. How do you want a boy to confess to you?
FACE TO FACE.

86. Tired?
like. YEAH

87. But it's not done yet! 13 more questions to go
u crap. u keeed

88. What are you doing?
rip from nii, BREATHING U DUMBASS

89. Desperate to find this AKIRA girl?
wtf

90. Special day for you?
my bday. i expect pressies -.-

91. Would you do anything for a friend?
like die? Yeah

92. Do you have a boyfriend at the moment?
i have...too many xD

93. Really?
-nod-

94. Cat or dog?
i like both O.O bt ppl say im catty...so cat xD

95. Hedgehog or porcupine?
LALALALALA

96. Hamster or guinea pig?
BLEH

97. Lion or tiger?
TIGGGGGEEERRRRR -rawr- specifically, white

98. The tag has reach its epilogue....!
finally

99. How's your fingers?
...ok?
THATS IT

THE END.

l o v e s t o r y

2009-07-15T21:12:00.000-07:00

To follow up on the im not missing you post, we have...

Love story.

Actually, i have no freaking idea wthn am i crapping about, but hey, it's...

~~constipated~~ Complicated.

I never really liked taylor swift, since i usually don't listen to songs everyone else is listening -.-
So basically that means if everyone's listening to love stoiry, i'd go listen to things more -.- uncommon. JMAC.

Ok. im sorry. that was random -.-

I cant keep my eyes open. I need food and drink.
And im bored.

My fav line from teh song?

'Cause you were romeo and i was a scarlett letter'

and

'Ke knelts to the ground and pulls out a ring he said'

And no.

Im not crazy.

Expect for the part about HMV.

And LMAO ANA. NO. i wont kill yunni for giving key to naomi xD ITS JAYED TIME. -.- ok. if he didnt do that strip thing, iw ould have loved khun a LOT LESSER.

Love
Soomi

I m n o t m i s s i n g y o u

2009-07-15T05:22:00.000-07:00

This is the song that got me over...Lance. OMO.

I mean, i really was obsessed over that frickign sonnabiotch -.-

But then my friend bought this album, and i saw her MV on tv.

Oh, Oh
I'm not missing you
Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don't know what I was missing or why I ain't listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiosity
Now that its over
What else could it be he just had to cheat

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
'Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

[Chorus:]
(But) I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time its different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

Its a shame in a way cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face oh
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
'Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

[Chorus x2]

No I can't be with you
Cause I'm scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I can't keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be
Love's good when its right
And when it's left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone else's life

[Chorus]

(But) I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
(I'm not missing you)
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
(I got life to do)
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
(I used to hate it)
Oh different, oh see the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me (knockin' at my door)
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
Oh different, feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

I'm not missing
I'm not missing you(yeah, oooh)
I'm not missing you (oh baby)
I'm not missing you

This may...not seem much to like, most of you, but for me it really, really, really kind of gotten me over him. Ok, maybe it's also the fact that he STILL hasn't reached 160cm yet.

love
Soomi

tagged by Nii

2009-07-13T05:19:00.000-07:00

your real name?
ummm...
Christina Xu -.-
But hey, my names rare kayyyy --

your gangsta name (first three letters of real name and add -izzle)?
chrizzle -.-
WTF man.

your detective name (favourite color and favourite animal)?
white fox.

your star wars name (first three letters of your last name, first two letters of your first name)?
-cough- i have like, 2 letters for my last name -.-
Heoch

your superhero/criminal name (second favourite color and favourite drink)?
Blue Coke -.- this can go to hell

your iraq name (second letter of your first name, second letter of your last name, first letter of your last name, second letter of your mom's name, third letter of your dad's name, last letter of your mom's first name)?
HUXIAI
this is so chinese -.-

your witness protection name (parents middle names)?
Tian Huai? HUH?

your goth name (black and the name of your pets)?
me no pets -.- but i wanted to name it bling --

your hood name (first three letters of your first name and add -iqua)?
Chriqua

Me tag.
Can i just stop like, here. -.-
Soomi ish so pissed man. -.-

Soomi cant answer most of this -.-

Quiz

2009-07-12T00:09:00.001-07:00

ABOUT ME Created by kerstinmg and taken 56 times on Bzoink
NAME?:	Christina Heo
AGE?:	14
ETHNICITY?:	Chinese
FAVORITE DESIGNER?:	Jimmy Choo <33>
FAVORITE FOOD?:	Anything good
FAVORITE STORE?:	EVERLAST ; Converse
FAVORITE ACTOR/ACTRESS?:	nah
FAVORITE MUSICAL ARTIST?:	Jin!
FAVORITE BOOK?:	...Memoirs of a Geisha
FAVORITE AUTHOR?:	Cecily Von Zeiger, JM. Guo
FAVORITE TV SHOW?:	-
TO IMPRESS ME YOU WOULD...?:	play the piano
FAVORITE LINE FROM A MOVIE?:	"This is the most boring hotel in the history of boring hotels!'
FAVORITE CHILDHOOD MEMORY?:	Autumn. Boston. Nuff said.
IF ONLY...?:	i could turn back time
FAVORITE QUOTE?:	"I hate that i love you"
I WISH...?:	I could fly
PERSON I ADMIRE MOST?:	.........Rain?
PERSON I WOULD LOVE TO MEET?:	RAIN! JYP! DOOODE!
I HATE...?:	fish. fish. fish
I WISH...?:	i didn't stop piano
LIFE IS...?:	hard. and like shit
You've been totally Bzoink*d! Take This Survey \| Search Surveys \| Create a Survey

New skin

2009-07-11T23:45:00.000-07:00

FINALLY. Im using a new one. I just LOVE the one featuring Jay N khun T.T

Oh well.

I shall

Start posting

quizes again

LMAO.

get ready xD

love

2009-07-09T03:08:00.000-07:00

Every one wants love.

Ever one needs love.

World needs love.

Just like how i crave for some.

Like what Nichkhun said in a not-so-recent-but-still-recent interview, "You worked so hard, and you'll want someone to care for you. Like...i'm really tired, cheer me on. How could i not have it? I'm human, and it's normal for a man. How could i not have it?"

I had a sudden urge to go up there and hug nichkhun then. No, not because i like him, but the fact that he said something which is true. Like, from within him, and not scripted, like how SM makes their artists do.

Oh my gawd im tearing. I have no idea what the fucking hell is wrong with me. I mean, i've always wanted to be someone...influential?

I've always loved places and architecture, and my dream is to travel around the world with some money, a haversack and a good 12mp camera. I won't go with tours, but perhaps set out on foot and trains. And the places that i really love, Venice, Paris, Spain. Love is always in the air. Don't deny it. Movies all shot there were related to love, even the people tend to be gorgeous there.

Khun's like me. He doesn't have a type. Neither do i.

Actually, i've always said that i love tall guys who were accomplished and humorous. But then, those whom i really liked -i disregard it. No love- were never tall. They were never much funny either. So it actually goes with the feeling. When the person loves you for you, and not about how rich you are, who your parents are, or how he'd look before his friends, that's true love. Well, at least i suppose that is. I mean, how would you feel if someone claimed that he loved you, but in the end only said that for something that did good to him?

"I'm always flexible. As long as she understands me and adapts to me is well enough for me."

I cried.

I Seriously did.

I mean, how would you think someone will look at you and think "Oh my gawd. this tough girl is sitting in front of her computer and crying her eyes out just because of some stupid interview with her idol?"

I'll have to say this. Nichkhun isn't just an idol. he's more of a...some one i look up to. yes, i do idolise him. I do even dream of many even, i dunno, friends with him? But most importantly, i hope that i could be someone like him next time. Like what he says, your head do get a lil bigger. But he still remained humble and collected and polite even with 200 cameras shooting at you when your were enlisting. Not alot of people could stay like him. And he only cried twice during all those years he stayed at JYP. Once on Hot Blood when his friends were eliminated, once on StarKing when the blind and disabled people were singing a beautiful song.

So in the end, it's about who you are, and not being some one whom you're not.

Yes?

I hart you
Christina

rain

2009-07-08T01:55:00.000-07:00

I was flipping through my notepad yesterday, and guess what i found.

This chinese...thingy i wrote 2 years ago. xDxD

07.28.07
其实. 不快乐.
我受够了. 我一直在想怎么超越自己, 步不时用走的, 而是用跑的.
向前冲, 不回头. 我不敢回头, 生怕自己做错了什么, 没发交代, 不论是对自己还是妈妈.
我想死.
可若我死了, 留下那么多东西, 会过意不去的.
我会对不起我妈妈.
她从小把我养大, 还没感谢她, 就走了. 不可能. 我是个有良心的人.
我还没进SM呢. 去了, 当个演员, 再死也成. 全亚洲轰动啊!
呵呵. 我变态. 我承认.
其实我很乖的.
若我现在死, 也会死不名目的.
我是个骄傲的人, 所以也希望以后长大了可以有骄傲明媚的爱情.
可我不相信爱情. 爱情是狗屁.
不相信并不代表不想要, 但只要别陷太深就好.
相信我, 我是个好女孩子.
上帝作证, 我真的真的是个好孩子.
我不是个叛逆的人, 我只希望我作为的人快乐.

If you still havent noticed, HOW MUCH IT STINKS OF IRONY.

Second Part

我现在都不相信会有人爱我了.
就像XX. 说爱我.
真的吗?
真的会有人爱我吗?
我这么说不是EMO.
呵呵.
至少我没自残过, 没搞过师生恋.
我应该是快乐的.
我要快快乐乐的活下去.
可我还是孤单的.
我应该多笑笑了.
有一句话说
"只有相爱的人在一起
才会得到真正的幸福"
那如果我爱他, 他却不爱我, 或我不爱他他却爱我
这样还会幸福吗?
谁能体谅我.
和我的雨天.

Just as i've said
Stinking
of
IRONY.

I seriously have no idea what i was thinking when i wrote this.
I used XX for the person's name -.-
Since
i really don't think i can face the facts.

Call me a freak.

Call me in denial.

Call me a bitch.

Call me Soomi

xD

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i hart you
Soomi

Yume No Uta

2009-07-07T05:00:00.000-07:00

That was my favorite song for ages last time. I loved the song.
Along with Kodas Ai No Uta.

Yume no Uta simply means Dream Song.

I love you so much
Every bit of you
More than anyone else
But I’m still alone today
Though I know that when I open my eyes
My dream won’t have come true
I’m drowning in you

Translations from kiwi-musume.

Exactly as it says, i'll drown in you. Him. Who.

Who when what where why.
I have no idea.

I think im crazy. I'll just start having tears sting my eyes whenever i read something, even the most stupid parts of a stupid book. I can't believe myself. I think im going crazy.
-.-

Ok, back to the subject.

Dreams.

Yume no basho e?

Yume no uta?

Anata no yume wa?

Yume Oibito?

My japanese is sucking shit. Man.

Speaking of dreams, my very first dream was to become an artist. That's when i've picked up my first paint brush and started drawing. Surprise. I won awards for it, even though the awards might be gathering dust at some place in my room. Or maybe they've already been thrown away, up up & away! Just like my dreams of becoming an artist. But suddenly i feel like drawing again. My teachers always said i couldn't do normal stuff. Instead, i should focuz on abstract. They said it goes with your personality. I did. And thats when i won awards. Drawing people are never my best. But then i want to pick it up again. If i couldn't dance, couldn't act, couldn't sing, couldn't rap, couldn't even speak properly, i still have my hand, right? Inspired by Leonardo Da Vinci. No, not because of Mona Lisa, not because of The Last Supper, but the Vitruvian man -.-. No, it's not sick. It's just the fact that there were so many meanings hidden behind that simple peice of art. Fine, not so simple, but still.

Maybe the Da Vinci code is getting to me, but im starting to think like pHI 0.o Its probably the most astonishing number ever. From the top of your head to your toes, divided by from your waist down to your toes is pHI. everything is Phi. All of Nature. So that's probably why it's called a natural number?

Golden Ratio.

Oh what the hell. I must be out of my mind. I'm talking dreams here, and im now giving a lecture on PHI -.-

Back to it.

And then it was to becoming a model, since i was always taller and thinner than most of my peers. But that didn't last long. I eat, alot. And look at all the models, size zero freaks who can't even eat meat or something. I can't stand that. Everyone should know how much i eat -.-

And then i wanted to become a singer, but i can't sing. I can rap. My voice is too...deep? For singing. My friend said i sing Incomplete by Sisqo very well xD Especially the part where he goes 'Pretty Faces from the covers of the magazines, from the covers to my covers wanna lay with me'. Fine, i sing that part good cuz i hear Jay sing it, without even knowing who it was from.

Surprisingly, becoming a dancer never really crossed my mind. I never thought i'd become someone who dances for a living. Dancing to me isn't a job, something that i survive and get paid for. It's something i do for fun, and when you like, give money for it and all, i'd never see it the same way anymore. I still remember asking a stranger what my CCA was, and she went like 'Dance?' And i was so surprised i asked her why she thought so.

"Your legs look like it."

-.-

Ok.

And then, an actress.

Everyone called me drama. End of Story.

Maybe i should be like, Master of deception, since i always get people to believe what i say -.-

Oh yeah.

I always tend to trust people i don't really know, since i wont be afriad they'd spill something.

I think this is long enough?

Oh yeah, Jay, I quit dancing.

i hart you
Christina

Official

2009-07-07T04:32:00.000-07:00

My official hiatus fic is out. I have no idea why i decided to put it out now, but i just did. -.-

Recollection

I wish for no harm.

Oh gawd. I have to print?

OH DAMN.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I'll probably close down Monochrome colors and then make a new site. None request site. No staff. -nod-nod-

i hart you
Soomi

Sacred

2009-07-06T05:34:00.000-07:00

Tokio Hotels songs are love.
Even thought i always like lyrics which are really packed, so maybe that's the reason why i like eminem's songs alot. Really good lyricist.

Guess what.
I have no idea what i wanna do in my life.
Maybe i should like, go and die.

There was a saying which goes

'It hurts to see someone you love become someone you hate'

I always thought that quote was IMPOSSIBLE. Since you love someone, why would you hate them even if you don't love them anymore? I still remember i was hung up on the quote for like, as long as i can remember.

I mean, it just doesn't make sense. And usually, well, i USED to be a pretty logical person.

Then i realised that if you don't lve someone anymore, and the other person continues loving you, you might feel there's a burden on your shoulders. This doesn't just apply to only people. Like, it can also apply to hobbies, things, etcetc.

To Me you'll be forever sacred

Yes, that's my favourite line in the song. -.- First line of the chorus.
But if a guy can do this for me, i'd be honored.
My fav couple of all time? Snape & Lily. I love how snape never changed his heart, even though he totally needs to use some shampoo at times.

i hart you
BoBo

Confessions

2009-07-05T19:48:00.001-07:00

Any one listened to Jay and Khun sing confessions?

I love it. Oh I love JAY PARK's rap.

I think i should take hiatus from winglin even sooner than planned.

You're asking why.

here's whhy
Confessions

Still don't get it?

He's ruining my life.

I can't be anywhere without him trailing after me.

Maybe i should think like yunni and run away from home or something.

Let me explain HOW he had trailed after me, even thought maybe it wasn't intended by him. Since i've known him from Boston, to Beijing. He lived at the Wangjing district. And then to Singapore. Yes, i liked him, LIKED. PAST TENSE. -englishisgettingtome- But liking someone BEFORE doesn't mean that i'll like it when the person is practically your shadow, following your every move.
Maybe i should go and die or something.

Wait, maybe HE should go and die.

These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say
My chick on the side said she got one on the way
These are my confessions
Man I'm thrown and I don't know what to do
I guess I gotta give part 2 of my confessions
If I'm gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all
Damn near cried when I got that phone call
I'm so throwed and I don't know what to do
But to give you part 2 of my confessions

This isn't part two. They're gonna be way more coming.

Expect it.

i ~~hate~~ hart you
Soomi

It's Because of you

2009-07-04T08:02:00.000-07:00

It's because of you
My whole life changed
That you for the love and joy you bring
Its because of you...

Look at the tagboard which clashes with the colors of the the skin i have now.

Yes. BoBo has a new layout again -.-

I think im goin nuts xDxD

Im so happy.

Im sho in love.

LALALALALALALALALA

i hart you
Soomi
-kisses~-

Forever & Always

2009-07-04T04:11:00.000-07:00

Again, as i've said, im never good at titles.

You know, sometimes when you're like, really, really, really, really liking someone, you'll tend to tlel yourself that you love someone, when in reality you're just merely experiencing...infatuation? No, not a case of puppy love. Puppy love happens like, when you're perhaps...9? I have no idea. I'm kind of way past that stage, even. Oh gawd. I have no idea what im talking about. I cant believe im stumbling over everything now.

I htink i have an eating disorder.

I eat too much.

Way too much.

I can eat like, so much, and then half an hour later, im hungry again.

And then i eat.

I fell in love with Usher.

Ok, maybe that have something to do with the fact that Jay Park likes Usher -.- I was trying to find his album everywhere. Sembawang, Cd rama, HMV, That CD Shop. I wanted to die. I even tried the loserish music junction, but nothing. nada. toodle. bleh. The only album i can find from him is STAND. And oh gawd.

Im hooked on making blogskins, so my blogskins will probably change very often.

Im so sorry, but i dont share the skins i like the most, since i find the things...kind personal, with the words and all, since i actually put my heart into making it. I'll share some thought. Sometime...

Usher's Confessions part 2 is nice. Even thought the lyrics make me wanna punch him in teh face and go 'frick you for fooling around with another bitch without using ~~protection~~ YOU ARENT SUPPOSED TO FOOL AROUND!'

Oh what the hell.

Wanna know why forever and always?

Im in love.

i hart you
Christy

2009-07-02T05:07:00.000-07:00

I went to Orchard Road's HMV today.

And bought Super Junior's Sorry Sorry Version C, which has -finally- its you, and Tokio Hotel's scream.

Surprise surprise.

So me and Denn was like, talking about reall weirs stuff, and i suddenly remembered something back when i was in America.

There was this blond haired, blue eyed boy called Justin. I think that was his name. He was leaving and transfering to another school, so everyone got up and went over to hug him. The thing is, the only Asians in the class, which will be me & another guy, didn't.

I have no idea why i just wrote that.

Wait, you know, when you DON't want to think of something, and no matter how muhc you think that it will NEVER go away, i'm telling you. It actually will.

There's one part of your brain that will actually, howd ya say, block it all out.

Cherie Amour
This heart, beats only for you...

Guess what, i've handwritten out three of the seven things im using as my haitus fic -.-

I still have to work on the poster. NONE is workign out for me. I am so pissed -.-

Oh yeah, hey, guess what. I work as a translator for timefor2pm xDxD Surprise.

I think, maybe, sometimes, i really should dbe more optimistic about things.

Gues what.

I'm tired.

I hart you
Christy

Spring Nicht

2009-07-01T02:28:00.001-07:00

I have no idea why my titles are like, in german -.-

But i fell in love with that word, phrase. Whatever you call it.

I'll scream into the night for you
don't jump
The lights will not guild you through
they're deceiving you
don't jump

Yeah. That's life, ain't it. Even thought i still aint much a fan of Bill n Tom, and whoever the other two are, i have to admit im addicted to their songs.

It's like

Inspirational?

I don't really know what that is, but some how, i'm picking up piano again.

Khun said that he wanted to major in piano in university, and i suddenly regret leaving piano after learning it since...11? I stopped when i was 13. Wait, i started at 10 and stopped at 12. Two years, and i was a grade five for both theory and practical. Hey, i finished the stupid grade one in like, 3 months -.-

I still remember the first thign i played man.
And guess what, i don't remember in notes, i remember in numbers -.- stupid, right? -.-
I go like '1,2,3,1 2,3,4,2' while normal people go 'cdec defd'

I feel weird -.-

I shall be changing my layout soon.

I'll be using one of the skin si've coded. Perhaps khun xD

And then....

I'm not sure. Stock photos?

Dance will have to wait. I've realised that ive slacked alot on it, and something must inspire me to pick it up again. With passion, and not like how i felt during the last...10 or so lessons. Burdened and uneasy.

Dance is supposed to fill Heosoomi, not scare her off.

Maybe i should break an arm or something.

Like what people say,
Why do we never know what we've got til its gone.

i hart you
soomi

tired

2009-06-29T05:10:00.000-07:00

Alot has been going on in my life right now, and i feel tired.

Like, really, really tired.

Restless, even.

So i'm putting everything on hiatus. My fics most definately.

And i'm stopping dance, since my knee has been acting up again.

And i'm picking up piano again.

I have no idea why, but i feel like i'm falling head over heels in love with nichkhun, the member of 2PM that i actually disliked alot in the first place. Maybe because i feel that he was overrated since everyone adores him so much and calls him the 'thai-prince'.

But then, i changed my point of view.

You can most definately say he looks good. I think he look more european in his earlier pictures than thai-chinese, and he has a heart of gold. I never thought that someone with both looks and talent could be so nice either. You can like, feel that he isn't those kind of stuck up people who walks with their noses in the air.

Maybe that's why i'm falling for him.

Oh gawd.

And maybe that's why im stubborn enough to start learning piano again, even thought i stopped since p5, scared of it. Im scared, even thought my teacher told me that i have logn fingers, i could excel in piano if i wanted to.

The thing is, i dont want to excel in it, i just want to be good. But when everyone starts telling me i should do this, do that, the pressures on.

I cant believe im even sayint this. i mean, what the hell.

HEOSOOMI DOESNT BREAK DOWN SO EASILY.

i hart you
Christy

Fanfictions

2009-06-28T04:31:00.000-07:00

Here's a list of my fanfictions, just incase any of you are interested~
updated :190110

Completed

LAST ANGEL
Labyrinth [One Shot] Feat. SHINee & RAIN
This Song [One Shot] Feat. Jay Park
End of A Dream Feat. SHINee & Rain
Like A Mockingbird Feat. Kim Key
A Decade Feat. Jay Park
Momentum [Side Story of A Decade] Feat. Jay Park
Slow Motion [One-Shot] Feat. Kim Junsu
Cry [One-Shot] For Jay
She Will Come Back [One-Shot] Feat. Ok Taecyeon
The Last Time [One-Shot] Feat. Lee Junho
Stavolta [Three-Shot] Feat. Jay Park
Phantom Rider [Three-Shot] Feat. Jay Park
Ephemeral [One-Shot]
First Snow [One-Shot]
Half A World Away Feat. Kim Key

On-Going

My Immortal
Polaroids [Collection of One Shots]
127 Days For Jay

Coming Up

Photographs
First Snow Feat. Kim Jonghyun
Nostalgia Feat. Park Jaebeom

Long Hiatus

Hush.
Priceless
Bitter Romance, Sweet Revenge
The Place With No Goodbyes
999 Papercranes

Hello Again Feat. Jay Park and Eli Kim
Invincible [One-Shot]
Spring Nicht [One-Shot]
Kite Flyer [One-Shot]
Permanent Feat. Nichkhun

Official

2009-06-26T18:59:00.000-07:00

I'll go on hiatus from winglin after i complete my one-shots, and Hush.

But come on, of course my parting fic would not be an apply one -.-
I won't tell who's gonna be on it thought xD

And

You know how something will always have an impact on you no matter how much you claim they don't.

It's just not right, yes?

Sigh.

Like the lyrics of Jay Chou's Cliff of love

我掉进爱情悬崖

跌太深爬不出来下降的速度太快

来不及踏上未来

Basic tranlations for those who doesn't understand chinese

'I feel into the cliff of love
I feel in too deep i cant climb out, the speed im going down at is too fast
I didn't even have time to step onto our future'

They kinda don't make sense once you've translated it -.-

But whatever.

I shall change my layout soon. xD

I recently made two blogskins! xDxD

-proudproud-

Featuring : Lee Taemin {SHINee} /When two becomes one/
Download here

Contact

2009-06-25T05:26:00.000-07:00

Contact me here

Youtube
4shared
Blogskins
Site
Myspace

原点

2009-06-23T18:57:00.000-07:00

窗外已经是炎热的夏天
但我的心却依然下着雨
我微笑
但心中却有挥散不去的乌云
我撑伞
并不是只为了避雨
我在你身旁
期待的是你回心转意

花开了
又谢了
雨下了
又停了
泪流了
又干了
你走了
可我呢?

-秋本千秋 04/14/07

Yes. surprise. i wrote it. 2 years ago.
crap. but...maybe i should finish the whole thing and make it a song? -.-

Tokio Hotel

2009-06-22T20:51:00.000-07:00

Cin's been like, getting at me for Tokio Hotel.
Fine, their songs are nice.
But that gawdamned lead singer has like, a lions mane -.-
And his twin bro has peircings on his eyebrows and lips.
but their nose eh muh gawd their noseee~~~

THEIR NOSSEE~~~
Maybe i should post my lyrics up here XD

umm...

they suck, they really do.
but whatvere
-.-

i hart u
beezy

rette mich...

2009-06-22T05:10:00.000-07:00

Ok. so the title isnt very relevant, but sometimes, you know, sometimes
when you just wish for something, but everything just goes the opposite way
how would you feel?
Like, let down?
Sad?
Scared?
like...shit?

Well, i'll feel deflated.

I mean, imagine your parents, just imagine, that somehow they've promised you something that could maybe change your entire life, but suddenly, the day before everything falls into place, you start getting clammy hands, feeling that something won't go right, and them WHAM!. It's over.

Over.

No one can like, save you.

Disapproval.

You're never like, perfect or anything.

You're perhaps maybe just a substitute for someone.

Ok what the hell am i talking about.

And who'll steal an elephant? -.-
You do the crime, you do the time.
It makes sense, really.

This used to be our secret
Now I'm hiding here alone
Can't help but read our names on the wall
And wash them off the stone

The thing is, you can never trust a guy in anything, no matter how much you like him, or how close you are to him. No, i'm not talking about physical contact or what so ever, i'm talking about mentality, emotionally, close.

It just...you'll get hurt. No matter what.
Guys make you do stupid things, yeah?

Good.

Head my advice.

Payce
Chris

smile

2009-06-20T02:53:00.001-07:00

i was never good with titles.

Unless it really concerns me. which, usually doesn't.

I never thought like, intense rap would have such an effect on me, yeah?

i mean, i acctually got out my notebook and started writing them down.

And surprisingly, after like, five years, i started listening to eminem again. I mean, i never liked him much -.-, but his song 'when im gone' just...struck me back in...2005? Was it? I was really tempted to buy curtain call as well.

oh well

-.-

I think it's time to mark BoBoLi0us's return.

I realised, with some help from Yunni, it doesn't matter about who gave you that name. instead, what matters more is how comfortable the name is.

So yeah.

It's Heosoomi/BoBoLi0us/Beezy/B'ZY-HxO

xD

Im happy.

im seirous.

Quiz

2009-06-03T19:39:00.000-07:00

Oh gawdamned you Jay Macky.
I hate you hate you hate you hate you.

But im still gonne do your fucking bitch of a quiz.

And why's that.

Coolie. I have no idea.

Starting Time: 10.43am
Name: Christina Xu Tiange
Sisters: Xu TJ
Brothers: Jay Mack, J3,
What are u wearing? Esprit burmudas, black and hard rock cafe beijing shirt. I nv even went there.
Favorite Number: 21
Favorite Alcoholic Drink: i dont drink biotch
Non-Alcoholic Drink: coke.
Favorite Month: may
Favorite Breakfast: i dont eat this meal o.o

***********Have You Ever*****************
Love someone so much who made you cry? oh shoot biotch.
Broken a bone: knee? Oh wait, that's muscles
Been in a police car: yeah. My umm, distant aunt -whoeversheis-'s boyfriend is a cop. and i thought i did smth wrong then x,x
Been on a boat? like, DUH
Came close to dying: I WANTED to.
Been in a hot tub: umm. yes?
Swam in the ocean: Go phuket.
Fallen asleep in school: -cough- Chem and CEP aint doing good ta moi
Broken someone's heart: umm...i'm not so sure of that...
Cried when someone died: me.
Fell off your chair: there was NO chair. -showsfingeratjaymack-
Waited by the phone for someone to call: yes. and now i feel STUPID
saved email: umm. a couple?
Been Cheated On: ummm. i FEEL like it.

***********What is****************

Your room like? pig sty.
Whats right beside you? Remote comtrol and food.
What is the last thing you ate? SHIM KIMCHII RAMAN which was umm, 12am this morning. oh my tummy

--------------------------Ever Had-------------------------------

Chicken pox: no?
Sore throat: this is stupid.
Broken nose: mho hm. nah.

-------------------Do You------------------------------------

Like picnics? guess so
Like School? want me to list down WHY i DISLIKE school?

----------------------Questions----------------------------------------

Who was the last person you danced with? myself xD
Who makes you smile? umm...it's not WHO, it's WHAT. Lame jokes.

--------------------------Who---------------------------------------------

Did you last yell at? myself.
Do you like filling these things out? um yeah. totally. i mean, you dont see me slamming things so often -,-
Do you like yourself? no. i want to be TALLER.

----------------Final Questions---------------------------

What are you listening to right now? The song Wilber Pan deuted with some weird guy. Tong yi ge yi han.
Hated someone in your family? umm yeah. my sister. and its PRESENT tense, NOT PAST. But, i'll love her. someday.
What car do you wish to have? JEEP. Like, some HUGE car that can be droven up a mountain.
Indoors or outdoors? IN.

----------------------------Today did you------------------------------

Talk to someone you like? im cooped up indoors.
Get sick? i need food.
Sing: yes x.x
Talked to an ex: no.
Miss someone: yes.

--------------------------Last person who---------------------------

Was in your bed: umm, ME!?
You talked to on the phone? my mom. I think, she's like, the only one who calls instead of msgin.
Made you cry? my dad.
Went to the movies with? cindy
Been to Europe: ummm...noone
Been to Asia: MIIII!!!! im IN ASIA. and YUNNI. xD
Been to Russia: dont think so
Been to the Bahamas: nah
Been to Mexico: nah
Been to Canada: hmm?
Been to Africa: hmm
Been to Hawaii: DEZZY xD

----------------Random-----------------------

Do you like someone at the moment: ohh lalalalalala
What books are you reading right now: -cough-harrypotterandprisonerofazkabanchineseversion-
Future kids names: umm?
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: BOLSTER BABY! oh wait thats me. umm...wait, MASHI TEH MARO!
What's under your bed? lotsa crap.
Favorite location? never never land
Who do you really hate/dislike: girl in the mirror who always stare back at me
Do you have a job? no.
Ever liked some1 you thought you didn't have a chance with? crap. yes. and i had a chance. but now i think im stupid.
Are you lonely right now: unfortunately.
Time Finished 10.54am

First

2009-06-03T03:56:00.000-07:00

Music : 2PM - Angel

yes. The first ever post on a new blog.
I dont know why i even started it.
Maybe because i get SO pissed when my friends just TAKE THINGS WITHOUT MY FUCKING PERMISSION.

So yes. Here. A new blog. I can crap all i want here and it'll be to muh own ears only.
Ok. Fine eyes.

-.-

So ummmm...yah. Jae. I know you're fricking reading it. Since you keep sending me weird messages all of a sudden, asking this and that. So umm...basically, i wish you and -gawdamnedbitchwhomiaccidentallyforgotthenameagain- a happy and wisful life.

Yeah right. You can just go TO HELL.

OOOOHHHH.

I feel HAPPY.

Ho HM.

User Info

2009-05-22T04:57:00.000-07:00

From now on, i'll be known as Chris.T.na
or HEO Soomi, BEEZY HxO
The name BoBoLi0us will be put behind.
So in loving memory of her, let's all watch the live telecast of her funeral

If this was the J A I L of love
We'd be in different C E L L S
-akimotochiaki(c)

Name : Christina Heo
Age : 14
D.O.B : 21st May 1995
Hobbies : Dancing, Lyrics Writing, Photoshopping
Fangirling over : 2PM ; 2AM ; SHINee ; DBSK ; Super Junior ; Super Junior-M ; Top Combine ; Jay Chou
Music : Karina Pasian ; Jojo ; Jay Chou ; Jin ; Ne-Yo ; Drunken Tiger ; Kelly Clarkson

Fanfictions

2009-05-22T04:09:00.000-07:00

[Current]

This Song *oneshot [Poster]
Recollection *oneshots [Poster]
Love in the shape of a heart *oneshot [Poster]
Waning [Poster]
Half A World Away [Poster]

[Completed]

End of A Dream *Completed [Poster]
Labyrinth *Completed [Poster]
LAST ANGEL *Completed [Poster]
This Song [Poster]

[From 2009]

Bitter Romance, Sweet Revenge [Poster]
impulse
12 Words of Love [Poster]
Insoluble tears [Poster]
Monochrome [Poster]
first snow [Poster]
Forever or Never
Most Wanted
A Decade [Poster]
FLIGHT ; In the w-inds. [Poster]

[One-shots / Short Stories]

Eienty [Poster]
~~End of A Dream~~ *Completed [Poster]
~~Labyrinth *Completed~~ [Poster]
Heroin [Poster]
Half A World Away [Poster]
Metronome [Poster]
End of A Dream ; The Prequel [Poster]
Waning [Poster]
09;26am [Poster]

[Collaboration]

Undesired *With JMG [Poster]
sacrifice *With KIMyunni [Poster]

[From 2006]

Someday, Someway [Poster]
Secret (Hidden Beneath the smile) [Poster]
~~LAST ANGEL *Completed~~ [Poster]
The Place With No Goodbyes *Sequel to LAST ANGEL [Poster]

[Ended]

Never Forget [Poster]
Sandglass [Poster]

Affiliates

2009-05-22T03:43:00.000-07:00

Link me

GIF Icon from Dycreations

Loved

Anna
Rach
aZn_sw3in
Latienza
Yunni
Dezzy
anahorvejkul
NaNa
Vera
Khlaren
VRENILLE
xAlcheria
Khlaren -private-
teriyaki18
GD Baby
cutiedee1989
Naomi
Lynn
Kpop Saranghae
ShadowYin
DYCreations
BBT
Mysterious Souls
linlin
Jaemin~
Pararae
Faith
chocob
Cutterpillow
La Dolce Vita
sweet.insanity
Rei
R-B
MilkXdrop